The COVID-19 Languish and Other Updates (including DIY tedium, consider yourself warned)

This may be the biggest gap between posts in several years. As of my last updates, I was laid off at the end of March, and here we are four months later with no end in sight. This pandemic has shifted mindsets and people’s general philosophies of life and work, and I’ve been no exception. I’ve not been depressed or succumbed to a long term funk, but there has been a shift in purpose and a slowing of pace. I was already ambivalent about many things that other people obsess over, but these tendencies have coalesced further.

To the surprise of no one, the current administration has not only grievously mishandled the pandemic, but they’ve also arguably taken actions to make it worse for most Americans. The US has suffered the worst outcomes from this plague, currently with over 140,000 deaths and nearing four million confirmed cases. Multiple republican lead states tried to rush back into normal operations way too soon and are now seeing spikes in their numbers, notably my home of residence, Texas. Thankfully, the rich have continued to get richer in no small part at the hands of the republican senate and white house. I very naively thought that even they would still possess a shred of ethics and human sympathy given the international disaster, but their greed knows no bounds.

At work, they have nationally adopted a three-phase return to normal operations plan that is mostly based on delaying routine and non-life saving care until the numbers plateau and begin to decrease. It appeared our first efforts to lock down and distance were having a beneficial effect on the trends, but the rush back to “normal” has dealt some severe setbacks so the VA needle has gone back to zero at present. In a recent presentation, the director in Dallas predicted that we were only 1/8th of the way through the pandemic, meaning it would take two years to run its course. There has been some promising news about successful vaccine trials in the UK and elsewhere, so it remains to be seen if we may see a viable and available vaccine by year’s end. That being said, I can only expect our current executive branch will find a way to screw that up as well.

Right now I’d be happy to return to work in 2020, but it’s feeling more and more like it will be 2021 or even later. We’ve been trying to keep our heads above water financially, and so far we’re still holding on. Our cash reserves have dipped from their pre-layoff levels, but we’ve also had several unplanned (and not necessarily essential) expenditures. Among these were a new lawnmower, several new tools (cordless drill, oscillator, etc.), new bulb for the projector, new battery for the Highlander, and the single biggest expenditure - the Gandalf/Frodo masters collection statue I had put a big down payment on last year. I would never have made this purchase in our current situation, but it’s a very limited edition and I would have forfeited the down payment if I canceled. It’s rare enough that I know I can sell it for a tidy sum in the future, although I have no plans to do so.

The tool (and supplies) purchases were part of a DIY project to finally run ethernet to all the rooms upstairs as well as make a modest upgrade to my switching setup. The layoff has shifted a lot of my priorities and I’ve been spending more time on cooking and DIY projects. I’m still practicing guitar, drums, keys, and vocals although bass has been neglected for several months. I also lost the spark for writing, drawing, and Korean language study but I have plans to resume. My typical day has been wake-up/coffee/casual internet, walk the dogs, exercise, and then some combination of practice with maybe some cooking depending on the amount of leftovers available. This is generally followed by maybe some reading, video games, and then television/movies/youtube.

With every day being a blank canvas, I don’t typically push things too hard to completion knowing I’ll have plenty of time to finish them in the future. This has resulted in the ethernet project being strung out over several weeks, although this has partly been predicated by incremental purchases as I’ve realized I need additional items. Ultimately, I’d like to have all my various rooms wired for ethernet and able to access the home network for file sharing at the best possible speeds and security. I’m essentially already there for the critical rooms and I only need to install one more drop in the “Forge” as I’m now calling it. This is the combination drawing/craft table and guest bedroom. The ethernet drop will go in the wall behind the tv and is not a high priority at present. It’s more likely to become useful if I ever place an actual PC or Mac in that room.

I’ve set up a “server” (sans server at present) closet in the video room, along with all the camera supplies. Eventual plans include custom-built shelving along the walls and probably a server rack (and server). These are long-range and likely more dependent on whether I return to work, especially the server. In the immediate future I need to organize the clutter and implement some cable management. I’ve got the ONT cable run from the garage up through the drum room closet and into the attic, then across the attic to my server closet.

A single ethernet cable runs from there to the wireless router in the home theater. This serves the entire house for wireless internet. It feeds a cable that runs back to the old location in the master bedroom closet where a switch feeds drops to several downstairs locations. These came with the house and are unused at present because Aeyong only uses wireless (phone, iPad, MacBook), but I’m leaving them connected in case. Two cables come out of the switcher back up into the attic and feed drops in my control room and drum room, respectively. These were run after we moved in by milestone electric and my recent DIY forays revealed the piecemeal nature of their work.

The installer essentially just found the path of least resistance so he ran the ethernet drop for the drum room down the same hole as the electric wiring and I haven’t looked up close, but I’m guessing it’s the same for the control room. Thankfully this doesn’t seem to have negatively affected the performance, although I may move those drops slightly in the future, time and motivation allowing. I’ve done enough rerouting of cables in the attic that I now have a good idea of where everything enters and exits, so it’s a bit more straightforward, but still a huge pain in the ass. The basic message from my attic is stay out and don’t waste your golden years.

In the process of rerouting cables, I needed to drill down from the attic into walls in several locations including the garage, drum room/closet, and video room. It took a bit of rooting around to find the desired locations, so there was a fair amount of drywall sawing and top plate drilling. I learned in the process that the upstairs wall of the drum room is offset from downstairs by about 6-12 inches. This was discovered by drilling up through the wall of the garage into the floor of the drum room, which, as you may have guessed, was unintentional and highly undesirable. After more measuring and brainstorming, I ultimately decided the best route would be through the drum room closet, as it appeared to be directly above the garage wall where I wanted to come in, largely because that’s where ATT has their breakout box to convert the fiber to ethernet.

Because of these multiple attempts, drywall repair was needed in several places in the garage, drum room, and one small spot in the video room. I also needed to put some spray foam installation to seal those unintended holes in the drum room floor. The initial repairs have now been completed, and just yesterday I sanded the first coat of drywall mud that had been applied. I also decided to try and fix up the rat’s nest of cabling behind my home theater rack. This consists of a new wall plate for the speaker wire, coaxial (direct), HDMI for the projector as well as a small control module for the universal remote/projector. I started that process yesterday and I’m thinking I’m about halfway done. In a recurring theme, the installers of the speaker and ethernet cables went with the easiest possible solution, so I’ve got a metric crap-ton of cabling that was just haphazardly passed through a big opening in the wall.

I was able to install a four-port ethernet jack for the feed from the ATT modem as well as the feedback from the router that runs back to the old master closet switch. The other two ports are active but aren’t needed at present. The router has eight ports, so these have been enough to accommodate all the needs in the home theater proper. I was able to separate the speaker cabling so I will now have the lines from the speakers terminate behind the wall into the plate and then have a separate cable that runs from the plate to the receiver. It’s all connected by banana plugs on both sides. I hope my audio signals (not to mention all the other connections) don’t suffer any degradation due to these attempted upgrades. Worst case scenario, I can always re-run the cabling if necessary, but I really hope I don’t need to do that.

I’ve still got several steps left in this current project including a (hopefully) finish coat on the drywall, texture, and paint. I’ve still got a few small holes in the garage to patch, although they should be a breeze compared to what’s preceded them. I’m also considering adding an electrical outlet to the server closet, but I’m going to save that until all the low-voltage stuff is done and dusted.

Thirty Years Today

On this day thirty years ago, we were rushing around Seoul by cab getting papers stamped and swearing oaths, and at the end of it we were married. It was a strange experience, but part of the normal process when a Korean national and American got married while still in Seoul. We had an agent to assist with the paperwork and she escorted us around to all the various stops. I can’t remember where, maybe it was the Seoul version of the justice of the peace, but we finished a set of paperwork and had to ask “Are we married now?”, and she excitedly responded “Yes!” and we kissed and hugged in front of a lot of confused onlookers.

Not the most momentous of ceremonies, but I can say the success of our marriage is more important than any pomp or circumstance. We were told that 80% of all Korean-American marriages fail within two years and that the number just increases with time. I think the person quoting that statistic (my commander at the time if I recall correctly) was pulling it out of his ass, but it’s probably true that more than half fail over time, as that’s true of all marriages if I have my numbers (sourced from a similar entity) correct.

Our marriage has lasted because we complement each other perfectly. We talk about the most important things and we’re always there for each other. We’ve been through some rough times and we’re going through some again, but we always have each other’s backs and know we can depend on one another. All the hollywood and romance novel drivel is meaningless over time. We truly love each other and that’s shown in our day to day actions, not a bunch of ephemeral gestures. I mean, I have bought gifts, flowers, cards, etc. but all that stuff fades with time. Always being there for each other is what has held us together.

Fully in the COVID funk

Which is not as bad as actually having Coronavirus, I’ll readily admit. The combination of being laid off, existential angst, and uncertainty have cast a pall over the proceedings in the past few weeks. I haven’t been motivated to do any of my usual practicing, studying, or creative endeavors. It’s mostly been the basic daily tasks (exercising, household chores, walking/feeding the dogs) and then maybe a bit of cooking and otherwise passive activity like reading, watching television, or playing video games.

The reduction in work schedule hasn’t been the biggest adjustment because I was already only working part-time. It has been a challenge to accept being laid off indefinitely, however. Watching our money, it appears we’ll be able to do okay for a long time if not indefinitely, but this is assuming no large scale financial or other disasters are added to COVID-19 and being laid off. We’ve already experienced a few unplanned expenses, which is honestly fairly typical in the grand scheme. I had already decided to start mowing the lawn again after our service had jacked up the price for the third year in a row. This on top of the fact that I’m pretty sure they stiffed us for two weeks worth of service at the end of last year.

With my reduced schedule at work, it only made sense to start cutting the lawn again. It’s only about a 90-minute job and the additional sunlight and physical labor won’t hurt. As luck would have it, storing a lawnmower for over three years plays a bit of havoc on the engine and fuel system. The carburetor was stuck open, so the fuel immediately began to leak out after the fill-up. I replaced the carburetor and did a bit of cleaning up and managed to get it started. It was chugging a bit so I cleaned up the now very old spark plug and can’t say whether that helped or not. All that to say at best it sounded like an asthmatic hay fever victim with Coronavirus after attempting a marathon. It was huffing and puffing with even the sparsest grass and the plugging of the carburetor leak revealed a few additional leaks on the backside of the engine.

Assuming it was going to be a cascade of equipment failures leading to parts replacements yet never achieving a satisfactory end result, I made the command decision just to replace it with a new mower. I attempted to buy one at Home Depot but found they were social distancing customers and the queue looked like it might take 30-60 minutes just to get into the store, with no guarantee they’d have what I needed. Being that the lawn wasn’t yet at the critical stage of shagginess, I decided to look on Amazon and found an electric model by the same company as the chain saw I had purchased last year. I’ve been pretty impressed with the power the chain saw motor generates, so I was more willing to go against the lifelong convention of small gas engines on mowers. So, new lawnmower is inbound for Wednesdayish.

Present circumstances have conspired to diminish the significance of this week, which is our thirtieth wedding anniversary. I think I had mentioned a few posts back (in the journal maybe) that we had canceled our travel plans several weeks ago, just assuming that we’d either be on lockdown or that it would be the prudent decision to get out when refunds were still available. So, that out of the way I still wanted to mark the occasion, so I’m thinking I’ll bake a carrot cake. Aeyong always loves them and it’ll be something different to try out in the kitchen. I need to gather a few ingredients depending on which recipe I plan to follow.

Laid off

I got the news via email (at 3 AM, which is nice) that Fee-Basis are being laid off by Ambulatory Care/C&P for the next 2-3 months or until C&P resumes normal operations. They are suspending any in-person exam requests and our outgoing program analyst (Curray) said he wasn’t sure they would have enough work for the FTEs (full-time equivalent) as well. While I can’t disagree with the logic, it came a bit faster and harsher than expected.

We’d already been game-planning the possibility, so it doesn’t come as a complete shock, but again, it was a bit sudden. Right now I’m trying to decide how I’m going to approach this. I sent out a feeler to Holly Gallegos (fellow Fee Basis and VES examiner) to see if she had an updated point of contact with VES. I have a feeling they are going to be scaling back if not suspending operations as well because I assume conducting exams would open them up to some liability issues. I’m curious if VBA is triggering the change to what they call ACE (acceptable clinical evidence), meaning exams and opinions that can be conducted remotely. That may be the case. This means that there’s probably going to be a huge backlog again in the future when the VA resumes normal operations.

I’m not sure, but it’s possible we can survive on my pension income alone, so we’ll just ride the storm out for as long as needed. We’ll have a better idea in the next couple of months about what’s happening with our cash flow. I’m debating about resuming a full-time schedule with Berklee, but I honestly would rather change my major to dual Guitar/Music Production before taking any more classes. I’ve got to decide on an audition and just submit it. Ironically, I’ve been laying off the guitar for several days with the COVID doldrums, so this may be the spark I need to get my playing back into shape. I hope my elbows are on board for this as well.

This was always the big risk/worst-case scenario when I decided to switch to Fee-Basis three years ago. I can’t really complain because I’ve been able to earn an additional three year’s salary above what I would have earned as an FTE, not to mention I’ve been working three days a week at most. It’s a strange feeling to think I’m not going to be scheduled to work anywhere for the indefinite future. COVID-19 is proving to be this generation’s single greatest cultural, economic, historical, etc. event. The world is already significantly different and I don’t see things ever going back to where they were before.

I’m glad we had paid so much down on the house, although the argument could be made that a bigger emergency fund would have served us better in the short term. We crossed under $100K a few payments ago, so switching to the minimum payment will stretch out our payoff date to six years, down from our plan of one year. We have a decent checking balance at present, so I’ll just watch what happens to our balance over the next few months. Given our normal monthly necessary (emphasis on necessary) expenditures, we may break even or even accrue income.

I’ve started canceling all the non-essential subscriptions, mainly to some music programs like Steven Slate and East-West Composer Cloud. I may leave others as-is for now, just to see what happens with our bank balances. We shouldn’t need to cut off any vital services like phone, internet, television. We should have enough money to cover those as well as groceries. We do have to think about those big financial outlays like the various insurance bills - medical, home/auto. We should be able to cover those, but they are big single time expenditures different than monthly maintenance.

I think there may be some silver linings to these clouds, although difficult to see at present.

In Today's Episode of "Morbid Meanderings"...

This persistent period of mourning that began with Neil Peart’s passing and continued with Lyle Mays has left me waxing philosophical in a morbid vein. I’m not sure if I saw someone post a list of songs to play at their funeral or not, but the thought has occurred to me in the past. My problem is choosing a workable list, there are just so many songs that represent who I am, as music has been one of the great defining qualities of my life. But, I never let an insurmountable task discourage me. Plus, I won’t really have to worry about it because I won’t be here when it gets played (assuming anyone will give enough of a shit to notice).

Below are screenshots of the original list, which spiraled out of control. I made the decision to create a shorter list (YT and Spotify links below) that represents the more important songs in a sort of existential vein (whether they made me sad, happy, or led me to ponder the meaning of it all).

Again, I know it’s morbid and I have no plans on going anywhere for several decades, but no one knows the hour of their death.

https://www.youtube.com/playlist?list=PL7CHkcAZAvbcmjFdg4QCN302455Zac76s

https://open.spotify.com/playlist/1FRwzMvlqS97eJ12IIIJTM

RIP Lyle Mays

Indeed the soundtrack of my late teens and all the years after, Lyle Mays and his work with Pat Metheny left an indelible mark. Sadly, his candle burned out much earlier than any of us could have expected. Just about a month after Neil Peart’s passing, we got the news; it’s been a rough year for my musical heroes. It’s hard to quantify just how important he was to the band and how important his music has been in my life. Lyle was the heart of the Pat Metheny Group, an anchor in the sound and often giving a backdrop from which Pat could roam freely. But, he was also a fantastic soloist and improviser in his own right and would always find the perfect counterpoint and contrast to Pat’s melodic wanderings.

The music of the PMG was something that captured my heart in a time of my life when everything was possible, and I still had this naive and boundless optimism about the future, both for myself and humanity. I’m still a dreamer at heart, and although time has tempered my faith in others, it hasn’t diminished my love for Lyle’s music, and it’s a devastating loss to see him go so young. Even more bittersweet to learn from Pat that they were planning on collaborating again, and maybe revisiting or adding on to As Falls Wichita. I can only find comfort in the vast body of work he was able to create and know that it will always be there for the millions of others touched by his music. RIP brother, I’ll miss you dearly.

Crystallizing Goals

In a presumably recurring theme (I didn’t bother to check the archives), I’ve been taking stock of my long term goals. Neil Peart’s passing brought the importance of a few key figures into stark relief and made me reassess where I was on the path. I’ve said it many times, as far as music is concerned, I’ve always held certain artists and typically key songs of theirs as benchmarks or milestones that I wanted to master before I felt “satisfied” as a musician, at least in a technical, facilitative sort of context. In music, it’s a fairly short list of the usual suspects comprised of individuals and/or bands. 

Mastering all (musical) parts of a band’s songs can be a heady achievement, at least in the genres I prefer. I don’t delude myself into believing this will be easy or is foreordained. It’s the process of pursuit as much as the achievement that I find valuable. All that preamble aside, the point of this post was just to update my list and perhaps use that as a new metric or at least a means of quantifying where I’m at and where I’m going. So, without further delay, here ‘tis.

Songs

Band                                    Song                                 Parts

Rush                                    Tom Sawyer                    Guitar, Bass, Drums, Keys
The Spirit of Radio
Xanadu
La Villa Strangiato
Subdivisions
YYZ
Limelight
Natural Science
Digital Man
Freewill

Yes Heart of the Sunrise Guitar, Bass, Drums, Keys
And You And I
South Side of the Sky

Honestly, as far as band covers go, this list will keep me busy for years. I’m relatively close and capable of the guitars on all of these, but I’ve got a long way to go on drums, bass (especially Rush) and keys. I put this list as just a reminder to myself and a sort of update to similar lists I’ve created in the past. My philosophy towards musicianship is to always have a song that is several levels above your current ability that you are pursuing, even if very incrementally. 

My “secondary” list here is for songs that are primarily focused on one part, as opposed to entire band covers. 

Band/Artist Song Parts

Eric Johnson Cliffs of Dover Guitar
Van Halen Eruption Guitar
I’m The One
Hot For Teacher

Tommy Emmanuel Endless Road Guitar

There are many other songs I would like to add to my repertoire and that’s still the ongoing plan. This list is just sort of a condensed focus on the songs I not only love and want to play, but also the songs that will hopefully help me inculcate the components of these various musician’s styles that I admire. 

Like the tale, the list grows in the telling (or passage of time) so this will likely change going forward, but it’s actually still fairly close to the first lists of this nature I made several years ago. 

Still Mourning

It’s several days after the news broke about Neil’s passing and I’m still having a hard time processing the loss. Tributes continue and sparse details have trickled out from friends and musicians who were aware of Neil’s diagnosis. I’m experiencing this grief in waves, similar to the loss of my parents, close family and our pets. You’ll see an image, read a passage of lyrics or prose, or hear a song and it will all come back suddenly. I’ve been reading through Ghost Rider, watched a bit of Rush In Rio, and I’ve listened to several interviews or retrospectives that have been posted online.

We will pay the price,
But we will not count the cost

I think many Rush fans are coming to terms with just how significant the band and Neil have been in their lives. This pain goes deeper than almost any I’ve ever felt. There’s just such a weight to the loss, decades of music and words. I’ve seen a few people say it was like losing their father or uncle. I think most of us felt this way. The paradox with Neil was that he was private to a fault and very uncomfortable with adulation from strangers. We all know the famous line from Limelight - “I can’t pretend a stranger is a long awaited friend”. Despite this, in his lyrics and prose, Neil was very open and descriptive about his thoughts and feelings on so many subjects. I think we all found ourselves connecting with him on each album Rush released and each book he wrote.

Neil lived a life of passion and curiosity, something for which we all should strive. He read, traveled, and just experienced more than many lifetimes worth compared to most of us. The great irony and tragedy in Neil’s life were that those who he held most dear were torn away from him suddenly and it was several years before we knew that he would make it back among us, although forever scarred by the loss. Fast forward to their last tour and Neil’s retirement, not just from Rush, but from drumming. We all lamented the end of our favorite band, but we understood and celebrated Neil’s chance to live out his autumn years and watch his daughter grow one day at a time. Sadly, it seems like it may have only been months after the final show that he was given the terminal diagnosis. It all seems so unfair, and as Neil described in “Ghost Rider”, the idea of karma tends to fall apart. What did he do to deserve this fate? Nothing, not a damn thing. The universe doesn’t care about you, it never did. Draw some joy and fulfillment from every waking moment if you can, because one day it will be over, maybe much sooner than you expect.

A caller into Eddie Trunk last night was saying he had a friend in the Rush camp and apparently Neil was in hospice as of November, although he claims he was held to complete secrecy. There’s no way to verify this, but it has the ring of truth at least. I’m not sure why, but that little bit of additional information at least gave some closure, even if it’s reliability is in question. He also said that as of Monday last week, Neil had become unresponsive and it was on Tuesday that he passed.

Eddie Trunk had briefly touched on the idea of what the future might hold. Until Neil’s death, I think most of us thought there still might be a little gas in the tank, whether a one-off performance, a new song, a book, whatever. Now we know that Rush is truly over and we have their body of work to comfort us in the years to come. Eddie talked about the possibility of a memorial show, and although I think it’s way too early, the idea does have some appeal. Something along the lines of Freddie Mercury’s Tribute Concert would be a beautiful way to celebrate Neil’s life. They could bring on any number of the scores of great musicians who cite Rush and Neil as big influences. I think we’d all love to see the likes of Mike Portnoy, Gavin Harrison, Marco Minneman, etc. get behind the kit and play one with Geddy and Alex or at least their respective bands performing a Rush tune. Dedicate the proceeds to cancer research. I also would love if Neil had written anything in those final years that we might eventually see its release, although I would totally understand if he didn’t have the will to write something or if it was kept private for those he loved dearest.

Even if nothing new comes from Rush and/or Neil in the future, I’ll forever cherish the great memories, music, and words that have brought great wisdom and provided such fulfillment all these long years. RIP Neil, I love you and I’ll miss you so much.

There have been a few pictures that made their way into social media, including these two below. The first appears to have been a get together with bandmates Geddy & Alex and producer Kevin Shirley, who brought the heavy Rush back on Counterparts. Below that is Neil with his long time drum tech, Lorne (Gump) Wheaton. It’s clear Neil had lost a lot of weight and his health was fading, but nice to see him smiling with those he loved the most. I only hope his dearest friends and family had time to say goodbye, I’m assuming the knew and did.

Farewell, Professor

It was via a text from my old friend, Matt, that I first learned of Neil Peart’s passing. It was a gut punch out of nowhere as most of us had no idea Neil’s situation was dire, just assuming he was enjoying his life after retiring from music back in 2015 at the end of Rush’s final tour. Soon, the tributes came pouring in from far and wide, posts from professional musicians and his legions of fans worldwide. Most of us knew we had said goodbye to the band as an active entity, but I think we also expected we had many years before we would have to say a final goodbye to our heroes.

I held hope that we might get some more books and maybe even some music, even if they never toured again. Alex and Geddy’s answers to questions about the band’s future had been a bit more final sounding in recent years, but I don’t think anyone thought it meant someone had a terminal illness.

It’s still hard to process how big this loss is to me. Rush has always been my favorite band for so much more than the music. Neil, Alex, and Geddy have always represented everything I’ve held dear in life. They’re all incredible musicians, fathers, husbands, family members, friends, and citizens of the world. My world view is very close to theirs, whether we’re talking religion, politics, philosophy, work ethic, etc. I’d easily be friends with any of them if they were just regular guys from work or the neighborhood. I think most Rush fans have seen them more as family than as these lofty rock icons, which they all are.

Neil was the voice of Rush. His lyrics changed with the times and as the band grew older they morphed from the concerns of youth to those of adulthood and spanned the micro to the macrocosmic. Early forays into fantasy, science fiction and the philosophy of Ayn Rand moved on to real science, religion, history, current events, etc. and captured everything from the wide-angle lens down to the intimate and personal. If there was an issue I cared about during the last forty years, there’s a good chance that Neil and Rush wrote a song about it that evoked the essence beautifully and distilled it down to a level that portrayed the significance perfectly.

There are so many songs and verses that have stuck with me over the years. I’ve said many times that “Subdivisions” was the most specific song that directly reflected exactly what my life was about at a moment in time. None before or since have nailed it so perfectly. I’m the geeky kid walking alone on the sidewalk in the video, then and today. Neil and Rush told me it was okay to be that kid, that it was a story just as important as those popular kids riding in their open convertible laughing at us loners on the fringes.

Any escape might help to smooth
The unattractive truth
But the suburbs have no charms to soothe
The restless dreams of youth

Too many hands on my time
Too many feelings
Too many things on my mind
When I leave, I don't know
What I'm hoping to find
When I leave, I don't know
What I'm leaving behind

You know how that rabbit feels
Going under your speeding wheels
Bright images flashing by
Like windshields towards a fly
Frozen in the fatal climb
But the wheels of time
Just pass you by
Wheels can take you around
Wheels can cut you down

If we burn our wings
Flying too close to the sun
If the moment of glory
Is over before it's begun
If the dream is won
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost

When the dust has cleared
And victory denied
A summit too lofty
River a little too wide
If we keep our pride
Though paradise is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost

And if the music stops
There's only the sound of the rain
All the hope and glory
All the sacrifice in vain
(And) If love remains
Though everything is lost
We will pay the price
But we will not count the cost

There are so many more moments of perfection in Neil, Alex and Geddy’s body of work, it’s impossible to capture succinctly. I’ll be grieving Neil’s passing for a long time coming, and I’ll be revisiting the music, videos, books, and the mountain of Rush memorabilia I have scattered around my house. I’ve lost one of my greatest heroes and there’s no replacing him.

A Few Milestones

Today marks nine years since my retirement from the Army, and it’s been overwhelmingly positive in retrospect. I got a good job, moved back home, and have spent a significant amount of time furthering my development as a musician, songwriter, and producer. There have been ebbs and flows over these years, some times of drama, but mostly a nice steady arc to the days. We got a great house six years ago, and I’ve been enrolled at Berklee Online for the past several years. Aeyong has turned our yard and house into a natural conservatory of sorts, and we’ve got a beautiful green space that envelops our house and will only shelter us further with time. We lost Bridget to the inevitable march of time, but have since welcomed Skittles, our Chihuahua mix and resident spoiled princess of the brood.

I spent about five and half years working the regular grind as a federal employee, but about two and a half years ago I switched to “Fee Basis” which is somewhat equivalent to a contractor, but without the contract. I get paid directly for the work and there’s no ongoing agreement or contract that binds either the VA or myself. That being said, our clinic has had Fee Basis examiners the entire time I’ve been there and long before as far as I know. That switch is probably the single biggest improvement in quality of life I’ve ever experienced, even compared to my retirement from the Army. I went from working full time to working nine days a month and earning twice as much. This is largely predicated by my ability to perform a large number of exams and handle complex cases that the regular federales don’t like to bother with. It’s really been a perfect storm of an employment situation for me.

I’ve had significantly more time to work on my various passions, and I’ve added filmmaking, video editing, video effects, drawing, and writing to the multitude of musical disciplines that provide great fulfillment and purpose to my life. As part of the added boon of income, we’ve been paying our mortgage off at more than triple the required amount, and so we’re hopefully going to see it paid off in the next two years, about twenty two years ahead of schedule. There’s one big milestone that we need to pass, and that’s another salary waiver approval for Fee Basis employees. The VA has been allowing Fee Basis to earn double their normal authorized annual salaries due to shortages of personnel and it’s been a policy that’s required renewal every two years. This year marks the end of a two year period, so we just need one more approval. By all signs it should happen because the VA has been one of the departments that’s seen expansion under the last several administrations.

Once the house is paid off, I intend to keep working at about the same rate I do now, but being completely debt free will put us in a position where we could probably survive without me working at all. I like the extra security of financial surplus, not to mention discretionary income, so I imagine I’ll keep working indefinitely, albeit on the reduced schedule which will eventually decrease even further. A lot more has happened over the last nine years - we’ve both passed fifty and it’s receding below the horizon, we’ve attended a lot of great concerts, and taken a few small trips. We plan to travel more once the house is paid off, although we’re limited by our dogs and some health issues. It can also be argued we’re both home bodies who really enjoy living in our own little world.

File under short term milestone, I’ve quit practicing any musical instruments for the past month, trying to get this chronic elbow tendonitis to fade away. It’s been in the left elbow for almost two years, and the right elbow started acting up a few months ago. It’s just the cumulative effect of playing so many different instruments - guitar, bass, drums, keyboards. It got worse when I bought acoustic drums and had been working on my double stroke by repetitively practicing the stick bounce off the drum head. That shock is transferred directly to my lateral elbow and it really has taken its toll. The problem with the elbows is that we’re constantly using them, and even something as trivial as picking up a coffee cup or tearing a piece of paper can tweak the injury. I have seen some improvement in the symptoms, so I’m hoping to start gradually re-introducing some practice to my schedule starting next month.

One benefit of the extra time is that I rekindled my interest in drawing and writing (which have been gathering dust for years) and I’ve made some progress, although I have a long way to go. I look forward to combining all my various disciplines into great storytelling in the future.

Ding Dong the Witch is Gone

A brief follow up to the various Workplace Drama posts from the past 18 months. The provider in question must have seen the writing on the wall and apparently decided to transfer to another VA facility in Central Texas. I assume her accusations had been falling on deaf ears for months because I never heard a peep about it. Other than the provider who shot himself in the foot (metaphorically) and was fired (triggered by her accusations but caused by his actions), nothing came out of her tall tales. It’s nice to have that chapter behind us. I was never worried about the truth, I was worried about whether the VA leadership would actually do their job. Not knowing the details of what transpired, it seems cooler heads have prevailed. This happened several weeks ago and even before then things had been pretty quiet at work. It’s nice to just go in, do the work, and then come home with no ancillary bullshit.

Fanning the Embers...

It’s been a fairly busy summer, with a few new areas of focus in the wake of social media disconnection. As I said last post, I deleted my main FB account from the last ten years and I’ve been spending significantly less time on social media. I had a dummy account “Fred Garvin” (heyohhh) and I was using that to keep up with bands, etc. but I did want to maintain a page for Pyramid Grid so I ended up creating an account in my name for the band and deleted the Fred Garvin. This account will only be for the band and keeping up with concert announcements and the like. I haven’t added any friends and don’t plan on it. I’ll see how this works out. There’s significantly less time spent checking FB and it’s essentially removed all impetus to post the trivial.

This extra time has been shifted to more reading and starting to rekindle my interest in writing. I’ve been slowly going through Neil Gaiman’s Master course and there has been a lot of additional recommended reading. I also started another drawing course on Udemy and it’s my intention to keep slowly working on these renewed goals for my eventual plan of combining mixed media in storytelling. I’d love to combine original drawings with animations and video effects to use in music videos and short films/bits.

I’m also slowly making progress on the model building with the primary goal of finishing the soldiers and environments for the Christmas Armistice video. I’ve been watching a variety of miniature and diorama making videos and this is another area I intend to investigate further. I’ve loved miniatures since I was a child and I’m interested in this just as a pursuit but it definitely could be used effectively in filmmaking.

I probably don’t need any more interests, but I can’t help my nature. As of now, I’m regularly working on guitar, bass, drums, vocals, songwriting, production, filmmaking, video effects, drawing, model and miniature building/painting, as well as writing. This change in work status has really enhanced my ability to pursue those creative urges I’ve held dormant for so many years. I’m eternally grateful.

Below is my first ever proper drawing. The Udemy course starts fast with a tutorial on this eye and the instructor takes you through the various steps of line/shape drawing, shading, etc. I even surprised myself in that I’ve never been able to just spontaneously draw with any great realism, although I’ve never given it much effort. I think this particular task was well chosen in that it probably looks more difficult than it really is. The next step is learning to focus more on an object we are drawing than the page. I need to draw a variety of household objects with a focus on lines, shadows, perspective. I have a feeling these initial efforts will be a bit humbling compared to my relative sensation of success with the eye, but this first project was a nice bolster to my confidence.

Disconnecting

In a theme visited before, I’ve decided to break away from Facebook, at least as far as having a personal account. I find that at its best, it’s mostly a distraction. I don’t have anything significantly negative to say about it, just that most things related to FB are superficial and don’t provide long term value. I’m not condemning the superficial in general, I enjoy watching mindless movies and television (to an extent) that only provide the momentary entertainment, and will continue to do so. I find with FB that my hopes and aspirations are generally so self contained, that they don’t change through that lens at all. As Neil Peart so wisely wrote, “Sometimes our big splashes are just ripples in the pool.”

That’s not necessarily bad, it’s just there’s such a disconnection between the amount of effort you put into a project compared to the typical feedback that it starts to dilute or obscure the value of your creative work. The long term value of anything I produce is admittedly only of lasting value to me, as much for the love of the process as the product. I had hoped FB would be a nice ancillary means of staying connected and socializing, but it just seems that for me I don’t typically get a benefit from the shared experience in that I’m either not interested in what people are posting, or I have a negative reaction to it. That’s totally on me, I’m not judging anyone else for what they post or care about, it’s very personal. I think it probably gets back to the fact I’m inherently a lone wolf by nature, and although FB was a nice controllable(ish) means of social interaction, it’s just never felt like it was enhancing my life. In fact, it’s mostly felt like a distraction that was taking my attention away from more important things with lasting value.

That’s not to stay I’ve sworn off FB completely. I have an anonymous account (friendless) that I use to stay up to date with bands, authors, etc. - essentially all the stuff I love that has a strong FB presence where they often choose to announce major events like concerts, album releases, etc. I’d hate to miss a presale announcement for someone I truly love just because I wasn’t checking in to FB in a timely manner. The nice thing about this account is that it’s purely for that, there’s no social interaction otherwise.

For my creative work, I’m obviously maintaining this blog and will continue to primarily use YouTube, although I may start posting more to Vimeo. No one really gives a shit, including my wife, so I’m just doing this for myself, which has always been the case in the first place. I’m already reaping some rewards in that I’ve been able to focus more on study and composition. I just started to flesh out another new tune after completing the recent “If Tomorrow Comes.”

Ecstasy

“If I can’t get ecstasy, then I don’t know what I’m doing in the business.”

— George Massenburg

From a tutorial about recording a singer songwriter with Fab Dupont. Says it all.

Failures - the greatest teacher

A collaboration with another guitarist fell through recently. I think that ultimately the issue was one of communication. The other guitarist had suggested we work on a song together. Having not really collaborated with anyone, I was eager for a chance to see what it could bring. I suggested a cover song by a band that featured two guitarists in dual lead type roles so that we would both have a sort of chance to shine. Now, full disclosure, this other guitarist is advanced beyond my current abilities. He’s posted covers of Van Halen, Eric Johnson, Yngwie and many other great guitarists. I had no illusions going in that I was going to need to raise my game.

I suggested something by Judas Priest, Iron Maiden, Thin Lizzy or some equivalent band, assuming the hard rock or metal genres would be more to his liking. He suggested “Bloodstone” by Judas Priest, I’m sure in large part because there are multi tracks available and we could use the original vocals and other parts as needed. So, we’ve been working on this project for a couple of months now. I’ve done all of the heavy lifting when it comes to the mix, and the video editing as well.

He had waited until I recorded drums before starting on his parts, since drums are typically always going to be the foundation. I finally recorded drums about a month ago and we’ve been slowly adding bass, rhythm and he had finished all his parts to include the entire solo. His parts sound great, he clearly has honed his cover game.

I had been a bit lazy in listening to the original track, as I've never really cared about getting a cover exactly note for note. Some may say that’s a cop out, and they may be partially right, but I know for certain that I just don’t care about trying to mimic someone else’s song to the nth degree. That being said, I do see the value in learning the most difficult parts, just to raise your playing to a level you apparently aspire if you like a song well enough to cover it.

So, as I started to record my parts, he quickly noted some problems. I was playing a rhythm part differently than him, and he wanted our parts to match up. I think he’s ultimately correct in this case, it probably does sound better for the rhythm parts to lock step. So, I fixed that in fairly short order as it was a simple oversight. But, it does start to illustrate where small fractures were forming.

Without ever discussing it specifically, I gather he assumed we were going for a faithful rendition of the original. Now, as I said before, that’s really not my thing. I honestly don’t get it, you’re never going to sound as good as the original and what would be the point? I get it as an academic sort of exercise, because you can learn a lot about the player, the recording and songwriting process in general. But, when I’m recording a cover I try to stay close, but I don’t sweat small variations.

I had been making regular comments and suggestions about how I would record my parts and I had stated early on that I wanted to divide the solos up, so that we both would have our chance to wail a bit. This song is like many Judas Priest songs in that both Glenn Tipton and K.K. Downing have solos. The Glenn Tipton is the initial solo and it’s a pretty laid back and easy part. It’s followed by K.K. Downing, and his solo is “The Solo” of the song. It was my intention all along that we would divide both sections so we both would have part of the Tipton and K.K. bits.

The K.K. solo wails from the onset, and there are two fairly distinct parts to it. The first part is a single position sort of classic rock riffy bendy part and then there’s slight pause and a fast descending triplet bit. I’ve been working on the whole thing, but I knew I was going to take longer for the second half. I had said a few times that I thought I would divide it up that way, with him getting the bulk of K.K.’s solo including the descending bit and some other bits after before there’s this pedal ascending section we could play in unison.

Like always, I have to divide my time among many disciplines - guitar, keys, drums, bass, vocals, video editing, visual effects, cinematography, model building, etc. I don’t choose to spread my focus in so many directions, it’s just about following my muse. So, it had taken me awhile to finally get where I thought I had a passable version of the solo.

Another note is that I had been using tablature that although perhaps wasn’t note for note accurate, it was pretty close to the original. The original track is very noisy, and there are definitely parts in there where it’s a true challenge to hear what K.K. is playing. All that to say I wasn’t sweating getting it exactly “right”. I don’t see the point.

Well, I recorded my solos yesterday and frankly I thought my part of K.K.’s solo was my best playing on the song so far. I don’t mean it was the best playing on the song in general, I just know myself and I was happy with my take. I was a bit surprised when I very quickly got negative feedback from the other guitarist. I didn’t save the conversation but it was essentially “I don’t like it.” Now, in fairness that may be just be unbridled truth. I gather he wants to get it note for note and in that metric, it’s definitely going to fall short.

What I didn’t hear was what specifically he didn’t like about it. Tone, bends/intonation, rhythm, clarity, vibe, all of the above? He suggested I take the Tipton bits, he play the KK bits, and then we play the last pedal bit in unison. If we were in a JP cover band and we played other songs where I would get “The Solo”, the scenario would be different.

I think the fundamental problem here is that we both see ourselves as lead guitarists. I’m not trying to argue I’m of his caliber, at least not yet. My idea with dividing the tracks up was so that we both would get a moment to share the lead but I was still deferring more than half to him, and it’s the more challenging/impressive part of the solo.

Without saying it, I’m getting the feeling he’s always seen his role as the main lead guitarist and I was the rhythm guitarist who might chip in with a simple line or two. There’s nothing sinister about him feeling that way, it’s just not how I see myself. If he had suggested I work on the part some more and made specific mention of what he felt was falling short on my part I would have likely listened and made an attempt to get closer to his expectation. I still don’t see the point, but I was trying to be a team player.

All that to say, I felt the tone of our whole collaboration went demonstrably south when he criticized my part, suggested he play the whole thing without giving me an out to fix whatever the problem was. I didn’t ask for that, and maybe he would have been receptive if I had, but I feel like I’m right in assuming he wants the lead and has all along.

Which is totally cool. I get it. I’m cut from the same cloth. So, after all this very considerable rambling, I realize this project was probably doomed to failure from the start and I’m just as complicit. I’ve known that I likely would never want to be in a band with another lead guitarist. I know there are many great bands who have successfully achieved this relationship, but a big part of my assumed band role is going to be as a songwriter and I’m not likely to want to turn over guitar roles to another player. I have no problem with another instrument doing their own thing, but I want my own space dictated by me, not someone else.

I thought we could find a happy medium where we would both get a chance to shine, but I feel like he wants to be the Lead Guitarist in any scenario. I’ve learned that I will not likely function well in collaboration with other guitarists, at least if they see themselves as lead guitarists with an equal editorial say.

The only negative thing to come out of this is I think it’s probably put a strain on our friendship and that’s too bad. The blame is probably on me. If I feel like someone is being disingenuous (note, feel, not know) about something I just lose trust and it puts up a wall. Ultimately this is just a cover video, it’s not important in the grand scheme of things. But, I start to wonder at all the positive comments made in the past and how genuine they were and how genuine any in the future would be. I felt like I finally got the real opinions about my playing, and unfortunately they were distinctly different from all others before.

As always, failures are the greatest teacher. I have learned that I really need to work more on my playing, both for playing entire takes at a level adequate for recording audio and/or video and that I’m not at a level as a soloist that I want to be. I’ve also learned that before going into a project with anyone I need to ensure that roles are strictly spelled out. I doubt I’ll do a similar project anytime in the future. If I want someone to play on a track, I’ll likely finish all the other parts first and then let them know exactly what I need. I’m not saying I’ll never collaborate with another lead guitarist, but I’ll make sure I go in with eyes wide open next time.

G.A.S. Philosophy

Asking the Important Questions, Episode XXXVII - G.A.S. Philosophy.

So, fellow G.A.S.ers, (you know who you are), what's your philosophy of gear acquisition? (whether money is a consideration or not)

More is always better?

I only buy what I will use?

Buy all the things?

This is important, think of the children.

My personal approach (since you asked) is primarily based on the unique sound any given instrument (or gear in general) will provide. In descending order of importance it's usually - sound, feel/playability, appearance. They're all important, but it's a hierarchy.

I'm not compelled to own more than one version of any instrument, even though I know they can all sound different, even two guitars that came off an assembly line or equivalent on the same day. Most of my guitars were inspired (and named) by the players I have idolized for so long:

Les Paul - Jimmy

Strat - Eric (J)

Tele - Andy

Jackson - Eddie

355 - Alex

J Bass - Geddy

My other instruments all have specific uses, even if they weren’t necessarily inspired by certain players. The new PRS is an example. I don’t have any particular player who inspired me to get the PRS, I just know they’re great guitars and I’ve heard many people use them to great effect. I still have other instruments I plan to buy in the future, but it’s unlikely I’ll ever get a second version of any I already own. I will say that within the PRS lines, there are a few other versions that offer different sounds/pickup configs that I’ll likely consider.

Back to school

Back at the books tomorrow after a very long break. 2018 was a strange trip for many reasons. Drama on many levels, mostly external. A repetitive strain injury shifted my music focus for several months and its effects still linger, albeit not as limiting as before.

I’ve decided to accept that “Christmas Armistice” will not reach its final form for a long time. I think I have a path forward for a much improved version in the near future, but I’m putting my idealized version on the back burner as further study in new disciplines is required.

Ironically, the performance videos were once the “heavy lifting” part of these projects, but that’s now the easier component. It’s all the post production tasks that require an elevation of my skill set. My problem is that once I achieve one step in a project, my mind starts wandering and I get all these ideas that require a whole new set of skills.

Workplace Drama, Part Deux?

The drama from last summer apparently is rearing its head again with the same provider making accusations of misconduct and wrongdoing against multiple employees. I’m not sure if I discussed it here, but this person had been one of three temporary acting chiefs and ultimately lost that position because of increasingly erratic behavior and outrageous claims against multiple people. Things had seemed calm for several months, but supposedly this provider had been looking into other people’s records and made an accusation against another provider that resulted in a suspension. This is all second hand info, so take it with a grain of salt. The source is an honest and reliable person, but I have a feeling there may be some added drama to the story, whether an intentional exaggeration or not.

Following that, it seemed that this accuser appeared emboldened by this action and resumed the campaign against everyone that had rubbed them the wrong way, including yours truly. At this point, I was fed up with the bullshit enough that I sent an email to our new chief as well as his boss and included the memo I had written back in June. He spoke to me in person about it, and although non commital about anything specific, seemed to agree with my points and endorsed that this issue was a problem centered around the source and not the accused. I’ve not heard anything further, and honestly I don’t expect them to take any serious action other than telling this person to do their job and mind their own business. I’m wondering if this person will go even further off the rails to the point they must take action.

My experience with the leadership at work (in my seven years there) is that they avoid conflict and try for a quick and quiet resolution. Which usually doesn’t involve dismissals or transfers. If nothing else comes out of it, they got a detailed description of how I work now, so there can’t be any protestations of ignorance if there are any issues in the future. There shouldn’t be, as I’m following the same procedures (as directed and endorsed by my supervisors and our colleagues at the regional office) that I’ve always followed. I felt it was important to make sure our relatively new leadership chain (the clinic chief has only been here a month or so, and his boss around a year) was aware of my process.

I’m hoping the leadership will finally understand that this is a purely personal episode and this person is pursuing vendettas against multiple people to serve their own ego and not for the good of the organization or our customers. I stated that this episode was hurting morale and hindering our ability to care for our patients, and I’m hoping if nothing else that will mean something to them. We’ll see.

Letter From Home Practice

I’m trying to slowly get back into the groove after the previously discussed elbow issue. This is an excerpt of me practicing Letter From Home (Jason Vieaux arrangement of the Pat Metheny song). It’s recorded with a Fuji XT-3 using the onboard mic, so the sound is a bit inferior and noisy compared to my usual condensers. The final version will be with a good condenser mic or two and I’m thinking I’ll use this as my audition for the Berklee Online guitar program.

Get to Know Your Camera!!

Here’s a short experiment with my new XT-3 and slider. I’m trying out a variety of shots and angles to add interest. No real B-roll in this video, that’s for future projects. This is a means to practice for future music videos and silly bits. I find the only way to really learn something is to do it, make mistakes, and then learn from those mistakes for future projects.

For bored camera/video geeks only:

Camera settings are important and noise reduction is great for noobs like myself. This is a slightly improved version of the original video, now with noise reduction applied. It's a bit softer and it doesn't work on all clips, but overall I think it's a better look.

Some lessons learned:

Automatic and manual settings both have their uses, it's important to know which and when.

For ISO settings I think manual is going to be preferred most of the time, unless there was some compelling reason to have it adjust due to quickly changing light. Not sure what that would be, but it's possible I suppose.

For focus it depends. The auto focus is great if you're moving around, but if you're static it's probably better to go manual and leave it. Again this depends on what you're doing. If I'm shooting a music performance video and I want it to stay focused on my guitar, I'll probably go manual. The auto-focus is pretty good, but the occasional focus hunting can get distracting.

Lighting is always critical and I already knew that, but I'm trying to learn the situations in which I can get away with more ambient/natural light. Color temp changes gets distracting.