so quiet, it's spooky...

To be filed under the “why the hell didn’t I think of this sooner?” category of studio management, it recently occurred to me that I might relocate my RAID and other hard drive enclosure to my closet, for the purpose of noise reduction. Of all the negative things I could say about Apple as a company, they have consistently striven for near silet to silent operation on their laptops and desktops. The iMac Pro I bought in April 2018 is no exception. Straight out of the box, there is no appreciable external noise. Maybe if you put your ear up against the chassis you might hear a little something, but background noise in our relatively quiet home is enough to cover it.

When I first bought it, I also purchased this Akitio Hard Drive enclosure with TB3. This allowed me a single device to put several of the internal HDDs and SSDs since the iMac doesn’t allow any expansion. There was some additional noise when the HDDs would be accessed, but for the most part it was pretty quiet and didn’t contribute any significant noise on its own. Fast forward to November of that year, and I was looking for a bigger storage solution. Storage needs for audio has had a slow and predictable curve over the years, but once I got into digital photography and filmmaking, especially at higher resolutions like 4K, the needs jumped exponentially.

I settled on a Promise Technology RAID array with six 4TB drives in a single enclosure. With a RAID 5 configuration I had a solution that offered redundancy as well as some increased speed. Although the redundancy requires some sacrifice of drive space, I still had 20TB of new storage space, which was massive at the time. What I also had, was a noisy new enclosure that required cooling fans to run constantly during operation. This was a stark change from what I had at baseline with the iMac, but I guess I just accepted it since I was happy to get so much new storage space. So much room for activities!

I reconciled myself with the option of shutting the unit off when I wanted to record with microphones. I have used that option a few times, and although a slight inconvenience, it wasn’t that big of a problem. The real issue is that I had this constant background noise in my studio when I would prefer as little noise as possible.

After awhile the noise became distracting enough that I decided to at least move it down behind my desk and shield it with a rectangle of cardboard in service of the bespoke aesthetic for which I’m known. Since it was originally sitting on the desk directly behind my monitor, just positioning it down below the desk made a difference and yes, even the custom cardboard remnant deflected a bit of sound.

I’m not sure it would have been an option back then, but for whatever reason it only occurred to me recently that I might reduce this sound even further by moving the enclosures into the adjacent closet. At present there are some relatively reasonable longer cable options for the higher speed TB cables, but that’s only up to 6.6 feet based on my exhaustive search of about five minutes. I saw longer cables, but they become prohibitively expensive at lengths beyond 6.6 feet. My first idea was the closet in my studio, but the problem is that’s also my vocal booth so I’d be setting myself up for the same issue when wanting to track vocals. I initially just got one longer cable for the RAID, but quickly realized I needed a longer TB-to-DisplayPort cable for my other monitor.

After making the initial change, there was definite improvement, but now I was hearing the Time Machine disk constantly reading from within the Akitio enclosure. I realized the best solution is to move both enclosures not to my vocal closet, but to the thankfully adjacent closet of my drum room. The distance required is essentially the same since the iMac sits in line with where the two closet abut each other on the other side of the wall. The only negative is that the drum room closet is also my amp closet, but I’m rarely recording the amp sound, and when I do it’s probably loud enough that any hard drive noise will be negligible, but if desired, I can always shut down the enclosures temporarily.

All that long-winded explanation (I feel like there’s a theme here) to say that is so, so quiet in my studio now. I really can’t detect those hard drive enclosures now. The only way sound could make it into this space from those drives is through a golf ball diameterish hole where the cables snake through. The noise level isn’t high enough to be heard through the wall, and I have enough cables going through that opening now that sound doesn’t seem to be getting through there either.

Now, when I sit here with nothing playing on the speakers, the only sound I hear is the fish tank running downstairs. At first I thought my ears were playing tricks because the sound of the pump at that distance was relatively similar to the hard drive enclosures, but after a few seconds I realized I was only hearing it over my left shoulder. It’s funny because now that I’ve removed the most offending noise source, I’m hearing the tank and the HVAC. These noise levels are probably not worth fretting over, although I’m likely to shut off the HVAC (temporarily) and I always shut the studio door when I record.

This reminds me of my class on noise and hearing conservation that I took for my Masters of Public Health. The three main approaches to noise control in order of preference are industrial, administrative, and PPE (personal protective equipment.) Industrial controls are typically built-in, permanent type solutions like enclosures built around noisy equipment as well as locating noisy equipment in separate rooms or floors of a building. Relocating the hard drives to another room (closet) is essentially an industrial control. I can also employ an administrative control of shutting off equipment when I need to record. Some might argue that’s a hybrid of both, but in any case I have options.

Why I didn’t think of this in the first place is probably a reflection of the tunnel vision I can sometimes get when enamored of a new piece of kit, in this case the big, new, shiny RAID array with so much more space. It’s a chronic bad habit of mine, but one I strive to overcome when the thought occurs. I often rush in on instinct when a slower and more deliberate planning and execution would serve me better. I endeavor to figure this shit out someday. Don’t wait up.

sappenin'?

I’m back to the daily dull drudgery of a working stiff. These two-day workweeks are so brutal, I decided to take two weeks off for the holidays. Good thing the clinic is closed for the same time period or they might have missed me. Yuks aside, the first two work weekends are down and things went pretty smoothly. I’m getting back into the swing of things and figuring out what VES expects out of these exams. The only thing remaining is to get them to start increasing my appointment slots so I can see these small cases every 30 minutes instead of the hour slots they have scheduled to this point.

At the current rate I’m making about $1K a weekend which is a big improvement over nothing at all, but I should be able to manage that in one day if they increase those slots. Four weekends a month should allow me to gross ~ $8K and net ~ $5-6K after I set the predicted tax deductions aside. It’s nice just to be getting back into a regular workflow and having the income that allows us not to sweat the small stuff like we’ve been doing during the layoff. No big expenditures thus far, but I’ve let myself buy some books and games without losing sleep over it.

In other events, the FDA has now approved two COVID vaccines, first from Pfizer and just recently from Moderna. This rollout is going to take months to get to everyone and I have no good prediction as to when Aeyoung and I will get our shots. I imagine I’ll have an earlier opportunity through the VA, but she’ll have to wait until our PCM offers the vaccination. I’m betting it’ll be several months at the earliest. There have been some shifty roll out orders from the white house, and no good explanation why they aren’t requesting the maximum amount. I know Pfizer has stated they have plenty of vaccine on hand waiting for requisition from the federal government but no explanation why they aren’t maxing out the orders. These jackholes are going to sow discord and chaos for every single minute they have remaining.

On that note, the Supreme Court has rejected the legal challenge from multiple states (including Texas, for which I take no blame) to overturn the election results. Cheeto Mussolini is still crying foul and will most likely do so for the rest of his days in office and on this planet. The electoral college did its job and elected based on the actual valid election results, so every step of the way has confirmed Biden and Harris as the President and Vice President elects. It’s just a waiting game at this point and the hope that any additional damage by the current administration can be minimized.

I’m starting to settle in to my new weekflow (that’s a word now, spellcheck), with focus on my disciplines during the regular weekdays and a relaxed schedule on the weekend/workdays. On those days I generally get in some exercise and Korean study, maybe some writing practice/study. So far I haven’t been very motivated to practice or do anything productive after my shifts, but I think I’ll eventually want to squeeze in some guitar or other discipline practice. I’ve managed that in the past.

one weekend down

I just finished my last note from today’s schedule and it was an overall smooth process. I’m not sure how many I might get back because I don’t know if the QA personnel look at documents on the weekend. I imagine I’ll have a few issues because I’m not familiar with any particular preferences that VES has different from the exams I performed for VHA/VBA. It seems they go out of their way to ensure that no questions can be left unanswered, even ones that shouldn’t need to be asked. There are questions on the VA forms that if answered negatively will grey out portions of the form below. However, it seems like VES is requiring examiners to answer hypotheticals on the remote chance that a question might be asked by VBA.

I’m not sure, but I’ll probably find out next week if I get some QA addendums returned. One thing I do like about their forms is that they won’t let you submit the form if you haven’t answered all the questions, regardless of applicability to the particular case. These were mostly times when I would fill out a diagnosis but miss a question before that just asking if they have any diagnoses in general. On the VA form, if you check the box for a diagnosis, that general question is automatically answered as yes. A little backwards and redundant, but at least they make sure you don’t miss any questions which can be easy to do on these long forms.

I had one no-show today and I have a feeling I’ll get stiffed on that one, because apparently they never confirmed this Veteran’s appointment and just let it get scheduled. If they confirmed and the Veteran no-showed it’s more on the Veteran, but I’m not a big fan of letting an appointment go forward if no one has been able to contact the Veteran. We’ll see what happens. I don’t have a specific idea of what the pay will be, because it’s not entirely clear from the agreement I signed, but I’ll find out next week or so. I’m under the impression that at least one exam/opinion won’t be paid for until an ancillary study is complete and I’ve commented on the results. Given the nature of scheduling under COVID, it could be several months.

All that said, it’s good to be back in the saddle and earning some sort of income. It’ll likely fall short of my averages as a fee basis provider, but after eight months without any work, I’m not complaining.

I'm back, batches...

I think I must have finally jumped through all the necessary hoops to return to gainful employment. I got a late afternoon email yesterday for some training videos on the the VES site. I watched those this morning (about 60 minutes worth) and notified the sender they were completed. A few hours later I got a response on an earlier schedule question and was given a training day of 12/10 with my first patients for that coming weekend.

After confirming I could work those days, I quickly received a follow up asking if I could work the following weekend as well. It might be partially due to the scarcity of weekend slots as well as the upcoming holiday, but they seemed motivated to schedule. I told them I was available for every weekend through the end of January, so we’ll see what happens.

If I’m able to maintain a full schedule, my previous prediction should hold true - clearing $5Kish a month. This should keep us in good financial stead, and hopefully we’ll have that cash reserve where we want it in 9-12 months. After that the accelerated mortgage payoff will ensue, and hopefully within 2-3 years we’ll finally be completely debt free (we’ve not carried any consumer debt besides the mortgage for years) and in a much better position to deal with any future layoffs.

It feels nice to finally have some work on the upcoming schedule. In a fit of high spirits, I paid off the remainder of the health insurance bill for next year and the current auto insurance premium. I normally pay these off in one lump sum as soon as I receive them, but due to the COVID layoff I was paying them out in installments. I prefer the fire and forget approach to bill payment.

I don’t have any large discretionary purchases on the immediate horizon, but it’s nice to know that any necessities will be easily dealt with and any reasonable discretionary expenses don’t need to go through a rigorous vetting process. I told Aeyong we could send some more money to her mother once we got our first check. We’ve been sending her the occasional chunk of money every six months or so and it’s been used to take care of her utilities and other essentials. We weren’t in a position to send any money while I was laid off, but this is something we can and should afford now that I’ll be working again.

Now, about that marzipan Yoda…

Meanwhile in geekdom

There have been some cool developments amongst my various pleasurable pastimes here of late. The Mandalorian and a few video games are keeping Star Wars alive and honoring the best of that tradition. The Mandalorian is a series on Disney’s tv channel, and we’re about halfway through the second season. It’s essentially a western in space, which is what Lucas intended for Star Wars in general if memory serves.

Jon Favreau and Dave Filoni among many others have given the franchise a much needed shot in the arm after the sequel trilogy self destructed by the end. This past week’s episode was of special significance with the debut of Rosario Dawson as the first live action Ahsoka Tano. I thought they did a great job with the character - with everything from the look, her fighting style, and her place in the story line.

I sort of had to force myself to watch all of the Clone Wars series, although it got progressively better near the end. I haven’t watched the more recently released final season, but I’m feeling like I want to go through the entire series again. The Mandalorian has been doing a great job of bringing in characters from Clone Wars and the expanded universe, and this week’s episode had a name drop that I doubted I would ever hear. Ahsoka Tano was on a mission to locate a certain Imperial Admiral, and she was in the midst of this mission when the Mandalorian tracked her down.

When the episode played out, we found out she was seeking none other than Grand Admiral Thrawn. Since his character appeared in Rebels (I think), we’ve known for awhile that Disney was going to include him in the updated SW canon, but we’d never had any confirmation that he might appear in a live action show or movie.

Thrawn first appeared in Timothy Zahn’s Lucas approved trilogy in the early 90’s, and I still think it’s the best version of post original trilogy events yet written. The problem is that it took place immediately following the events of the original trilogy, so after the 90’s it would have needed reworking to make sense giving the aging of the characters. The Mandalorian takes place in the aftermath of the destruction of the second Death Star, so Thrawn is contemporary to that time.

Thrawn is arguably as interesting as any character in Star Wars canon in my experience. A member of the race of Chiss, he is a brilliant tactician, typically several moves ahead of both friend and foe. He can orchestrate large space battles as if he were a self-contained supercomputer. He uses a variety of techniques to understand other cultures, often obtaining priceless works of art for appreciation and as a means to understand the psyche of those who capture his interest. Zahn has written some more recent Thrawn sequel novels that I’ve read, and so far they’ve been a mixed bag, not necessarily as good as his original sequel trilogy. That said, there should be plenty of material to work with for The Mandalorian and whatever other properties they consider.

Also of note, there have been a few good games from the Star Wars milieu. Jedi: Fallen Order came out a year ago and is on the Xbox Game Pass as of now. I’ve played a bit and I’m enjoying it. Also of note was the release of Star Wars: Squadrons which is reminiscent of the classic X-Wing and Tie Fighter games for PC from the 90s. I’m still figuring out the controls and fighting schemes, but it’s a lot of fun.

I went against my own best judgment and padded my backlog even further this year by purchase of the Xbox Series X, the GamePass (which essentially means I’ll have dozens if not hundreds of potential games to choose from), as well as a few games on sale for black friday. I resisted the urge to buy most of them as they may eventually show up on GamePass or at least get an even bigger discount. I knew I would buy Cyberpunk 2077 no matter what, so I took advantage of at least a $10 if not $20 discount (not sure if it will cost $60 or $70 at launch) and bought the Xbox One version (which should upgrade to Series X for free) on Amazon. I also bought the three sequel games to Assassin’s Creed for $9 from the Microsoft store.

I think I documented my backlog a post or two back, but you can now add (at least): Assassin’s Creed II, AC Brotherhood, AC Revelations, SW Squadrons, SW Jedi: Fallen Order, and any number of GamePass games. I’ve already played through a season of Madden 2020 (which justified the GamePass purchase by itself since I usually only play through one season), and I’ve got several other games in the queue, including Forza Horizon 4 which has been a lot of fun thus far.

I’ve said it many times, but this modern era in which we live is the most fruitful and plentiful for media consumption. We’ve long since passed the point when there wasn’t anything to read, watch, or play. Now it’s a matter of triaging out what you will devote your time towards consuming. It’s a great problem to have.

Happy Thanksgiving

I wouldn’t normally go to the trouble to post a holiday message. That said, I’m not completely cynical and you might as well take stock of what you’re thankful for on today of all days, but this Thanksgiving has a little extra significance.

Although not necessarily a surprise, Thanksgiving Eve was capped off with a nice email from VES, welcoming me (back) into their fold. After sending off my newly “wet” inked packet last week, I was hoping for an email on Monday. When nothing came all the way through Wednesday afternoon, I just assumed they had worked a short week if any at all, and I wouldn’t be hearing from them until next week at the earliest. So, it came as a slight surprise on late Wednesday afternoon to receive two welcome emails from VES staff.

After so many months without work and the drawn out process with VES, there have definitely been times when I wondered if I was ever going back to work or not. I’ve still been checking my TSP account daily to see if the VA ever completed their transaction to get my status changed. This was still the back up plan if I never got work again - withdraw enough funds to payoff the mortgage so we could free up some additional money into the monthly budget.

Now, with this news, it should be feasible for me to earn a decent income with just a part time schedule. I responded and let them know my schedule preferences. It will probably be next week before I hear back from them. I have to go through the initial training session/walkthrough before they will schedule me, and after that I think the first few shifts will be lighter. Hopefully I’ll be able to assume a regular part time schedule before year’s end.

It’s nice to head into the holiday with a light on the horizon.

Addendum - as a nice added bonus, I checked my TSP account yesterday and it appears the VA finally got them to update my status as a separated employee. Hopefully, I’ll have no reason to access these accounts other than checking the balance for six more years. After that time, and depending on how things are going in our world, we’ll probably start drawing a monthly check that should last us for around thirty years, which should be more than adequate for our future plans/expectations. Not a bad Thanksgiving if I do say so myself.

The longest job interview ever, Episode XXVII

The title is a loose version of the reality. I’m trying to remember when I started this process, and I think it was the first week of October, around the same time that the north texas va was supposed to resume 100% face to face operations. I’m not sure that’s ever come to pass as far as c&p is concerned, but we’re around six weeks past and I’m still going through the process with VES. Just yesterday I sent in a copy of my professional liability insurance to the recruiter, so presumably my paperwork is finally in the hands of their credentialing.

I can’t remember the precise details of the last time I did this, but I’m confident there are additional hoops to jump through at this point, there almost always are. I indicated a preference to start after December 1st, so there’s still some time to spare. To my recollection, there are usually a few light days that must precede a full schedule so they can ensure you’re know what you’re doing. I get the feeling, at least as far as their admin departments are concerned, that experience counts little. They have a checklist and there will be no wavering.

I haven’t raised my expectations all that high. As little as two or three four hour shifts will probably give us enough additional funds to keep us in the black every month going forward. My intent is to work weekends, presumably giving me eightish four hour shifts a month, and if my calculations are realistic, around 64 DBQs a month if I’m able to fill all those shifts as intended. That would put as around $5K after taxes which should keep us in good trim. Even if it’s only 20% of that estimate, it would be of benefit.

If I can work at the rate I’m hoping to achieve, we should have our cash reserves up where we want them in 6-8 months, and then we can resume the condensed house payoff. I imagine we would be able to get the house paid off in 2-3 years, and then the need to work would be almost nil. I’d likely continue working for discretionary funds, but that would be a nice burden to remove. All of this is based on assumptions, which haven’t served us particularly well in the last year, so I’m not quite ready to pop the champagne.

Lucky friday the 13th

As a nice bookend to today’s office departure, I received an email from VES with my credentialing packet this afternoon. Their payment rates seem improved from before, but they’re still lumping musculoskeletal and opinions together. I ran a few scenarios in my head and anytime you’re talking about bigger exams, fee basis is clearly the better option. At lower numbers they are more competitive, especially for a single DBQ exam. Once you hit their max count of 14 or higher, fee basis often pays double or more what VES would pay.

I’m going to request a schedule that hopefully will keep them from ever giving me those higher numbers, even though that’s my preference when getting paid per DBQ. Anywho, it’s a nice way to end the day/week. I expect I should be able to get some shifts before year’s end, although I haven’t spoken to any of their schedulers yet.

The Scab has been Ripped

I left early this morning in what may have been the last visit to my workplace for the last nine years. I needed to clean out the office of all my personal items and there were quite a few documents for the shred pile. Nothing sinister or incriminating, don’t get your hopes up. It was mostly exam notes and patient labs and the like that can’t just be thrown out in the trash. I tended to hold onto notes until the drawer could no longer manage, mainly in case there were ever follow up questions about exams.

Someone had already been occupying the office, not that I took that personally. I haven’t been in there since late March, so it’s good they’re getting some use out of it. I was also happy to find that all my personal items were still there and unmolested by all appearances. In a moment of pure snarky vengeance (isn’t snarky vengeance the guitarist in Avenged Sevenfold?), I almost took everything including my power strips, but that would have left the current occupant without a functioning second monitor. I should have done it, but I felt like it was a small gesture of professionalism that no one would notice or care about.

I didn’t really feel anything, other than relief that I was able to knock it out in two air huffing trips back and forth to the car. I’m not sure if it was the mask or my lack of more strenuous cardio with the knee issues, but it’s not a feeling I’m very familiar with. I really need to get back to running, but the right knee hasn’t been open to negotiation in several months. I’m sure it was partly the mask, but I’m not convinced my fat ass isn’t partially to blame as well. Aeyong jokingly asked if I cried, and I replied “no, not even close.” I guess the pervading feeling I have at the most recent development was one of mild betrayal.

That’s saying a lot, but I did live under the illusion that people actually cared and paid attention to our efforts. Maybe I’m wrong, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way now. I think the thing that ultimately did us in is the apathy of the career federal employee. Those who are content to make entire careers out of collecting full pay and benefits while doing the bare minimum exist at all levels. Just like there are providers that would do less in a month than I would do in a six hour shift (that’s not exaggeration, it actually happened several times over), there are supervisors with similar productivity ethos. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s probably easier on them to have fewer employees and I’m fairly certain they didn’t lobby for or champion our cause. Probably the opposite.

I tend to never say never, and it won’t surprise me if we’re eventually asked back, but much will depend on how things go with VES. Right now I’m still waiting to hear from their credentialing after sending my collaborative memo on Monday. If it’s like it was in 2016 then it’s not ideal, but I could still do fine with just a few shifts a month. If it’s like Gallegos indicated, they are paying differently now. She didn’t provide details and I’m not sure that her status with VES isn’t different since she’s been a regular with them all along. The best case scenario would be them paying for every DBQ performed, and if that was the case it’s highly unlikely I would ever see a justification to returning to VHA. Only time will tell.

Burnt Cheeto, a Character Description in Two Paragraphs

I’m not sure whether I will make posting these a habit, but today’s writing exercise was satisfying in its snarkdom.

The first thing you noticed was his hair. An odd combination of bird’s nest, aquanet, and poorly executed combover in a dirty blond hue that belied his advanced years. Call it Baba Yaga Blond. A voluminous dark blue suit, adorned with a bold red tie and the requisite small American flag on the lapel projected an apparent steadfast resolve for the patriotic ideal. It was all bluster and misdirection. What would have been a wrinkled and aging visage generously sprinkled with liver spots and crows feet had been smeared with an unflattering tint of orange that could be generously described as burnt Cheeto. Sagging jowls spilled over his collar, bouncing in response to his vociferous orations but with a slight delay as if an unwilling accomplice. Those jowls had seen some shit.

Blessed with enough height that his squishy flesh remained mostly concealed beneath the long swathe of blue, but what was the strange prominence of hard ridges and flat surfaces stretching the otherwise smooth contours over his rear flank? Girdle? One could imagine an army of underlings with plastic sheet rolls running in circles around him, strapping down the sagging flesh before he was wedged into his official blue business sack of office. Was that heavy breathing a COVID residual or just the cellophane corset? Collectively, it challenged one’s senses on multiple levels, falling just short of the visual offense of Baron Harkonnen’s pustule-ridden purulent bulbousness. If only the pandemic had been bubonic, he might have achieved the pinnacle of repugnance.

Strange Vibes

I’m probably overthinking it, but it’s been a strange sequence of days since I got the news fee basis were being let go permanently. I’ve sent a few follow up emails, but so far it’s radio silence, except for Curray’s single word reaction to the news - “pathetic!”. It may be largely due to sending those emails between Friday and Monday, and some people may not be back at work or at least caught up on their emails. I’ve been trying to find out what the clinic operating hours are now, since I think they’re still changed from COVID. All that I really have left is to clear my office out, and at that point I’ll have effectively washed my hands of them. I’m going to hold onto my id and check email occasionally until they tell me I must surrender that as well. I still think there’s a good chance we’ll be back, it’s just going to be a chaotic couple of months with the lame duck session and COVID back on the rise.

The curt dismissal email did have me wondering about Hasan’s intentions. Last year I had to undergo a “random” drug test, and to my knowledge it was the first one in our entire clinic in the eight years I had worked there. It didn’t matter because of course I tested negative, and maybe it was truly random. It’s just that in light of the recent apparent ambivalence it had me wondering if he had taken some of those accusations seriously. I wouldn’t necessarily blame him since he didn’t know me or any of the other accused.

I think I’m mostly overreading people’s behavior as they must surely have plenty on their minds at work and home. I’m giving them a couple more days and if I still haven’t received any responses I’ll probably just go at close of business on a Friday and clear out all my personal belongings. It’s a decent amount of stuff considering I’d been there over nine years. It’s the longest I’ve ever worked in the same specific location, so it seems weird to be possibly saying goodbye. I won’t necessarily miss it or the people, but it’s still a big transition.

Zee Backlog

One of the myriad outcomes of the COVID-19 pandemic has been more free time. Significantly more than I had ever planned to have. As it happens, I had an extensive backlog of games that I had never completed and in many cases hadn’t played at all. As I’ve said in other posts, I never got down to the level of even what I would consider mild depression, but it is fair to say that I’ve had intermittent COVID funks where I lost some motivation for my normal pursuits. Most days I’ve got that full schedule of practice, study, and work that I maintain, but there are just days where I feel like doing little to nothing. These are often well suited to games, books, and movies.

So, on that note, I was trying to think of all the games I’ve cleared out of my backlog since COVID-19 began. I had games going all the way back to the launch of the Xbox 360 in 2006 and around the same time with several Steam games. The typical scenario was I would buy first-run games with a new console launch or more often when a bunch of games went on sale during the holidays. It’s a holiday tradition now that retailers will put many triple AAA and other highly rated games on sale at pretty steep discounts. Most years I end up buying a game or two and they’ve just accumulated since I was mostly busy with work and musical pursuits.

With COVID-19 and all the additional time on my hands, I decided to start trying to whittle away at the backlog. So far these are the games that I have completed since then:

Divinity Original Sin 2
Red Dead Redemption
Assassin’s Creed
Gears of War
Battlefield 4
Tomb Raider: Definitive Edition
Wolfenstein II
Shadow of Mordor
Horizon Zero Dawn
Bioshock
Alan Wake
Far Cry 3

These games have all been fun. I’ve generally gone with the standard difficulty level if it was modifiable. This is my normal practice but I have lowered difficulty if I kept dying and had to repeat the same fights ad infinitum. I enjoy exploration, discovery, and story far more than I enjoy any certain game mechanic so it’s an old habit of mine. I don’t really feel a sense of accomplishment in completing a difficult fight as much as I’m looking forward to the next new area for exploration. That’s why I’ve logged so many hours (days) on World of Warcraft despite never raiding and only very briefly being a member of a guild. I’d rather run around the map and find new dungeons, ruins, etc.

I still have an extensive backlog to clear on PC, Xbox, PS, and Switch including:

The Witcher: Enhanced Edition
The Witcher 2: Enhanced Edition
Bioshock 2
Bioshock Infinite
Dishonored
Batman: Arkham City
Deus Ex: GOTY Edition
Deus Ex: Invisible War
Deus Ex: Human Revolution
Deus Ex: Human Revolution: The Missing Link
Uncharted 4
Uncharted: The Lost Legacy
Assassin’s Creed: Origins
Shadow of War
The Last of Us: Remastered
Game of Thrones (Telltale)
Legend of Zelda: Breath of the Wild
Fallout 3
Pillars of Eternity

I’m not including various Kinect games as well as a few driving and sports games. Although these often have career modes, I’m almost always inclined to play the latest versions since they don’t provide me a unique experience like these other RPG and action/adventure type games. I’m also not including a multitude of games I intend to eventually play that I haven’t bought yet.

To make matters worse (or better depending on viewpoint), my new-fangled Xbox Series X is arriving this week and will likely result in the purchase of a few more games to add to the cache. By far the two most anticipated games coming in the near future are Cyberpunk 2077 and Baldur’s Gate III. CP2077 will be an Xbox purchase, but I’ll be playing BG III on PC. After that my most anticipated game is probably Elder Scrolls 6, but that’s likely several years off.

I’m thinking I’ll keep working on the backlog preferentially until I get CP2077 because I have a feeling that one will be hard to resist once it’s available next month.

A Light on the Horizon

My regular checking of the headlines since Tuesday finally paid off Saturday morning. The major news outlets reported that Joe Biden and Kamala Harris had clinched Pennsylvania and therefore had 273 electoral college votes and an assured victory in the Presidential election. Soon after, celebrations broke out in the streets around the country and the world. Trump was golfing, but would later respond with several feverish tweets condemning the results and swearing to fight them in court.

I know for myself that it was a weight off my shoulders that I had just become accustomed to over the last four years. I think much of America and the world felt the same. Of course, there are 70 million voters out there who didn’t get the result they wanted and I have a pretty good idea of how they are feeling as well. The President and Vice President Elect’s speeches were about reconciliation and a vision for the future, a healing of our country, and reunification of Americans after four contentious years. It’s going to be a bumpy road at times, but things will get better. They must.

Our democracy and the values held by most Americans had suffered such a blow and we often wondered would we ever see our country as the founders framed it, would we ever again become a beacon of freedom and hope for the downtrodden? I woke today feeling that it was possible once again.

Three days later and still no answer on the election, but a bombshell at work...

The election still hasn’t been decided, with several states still counting ballots and the necessary 270 electoral votes not yet attained by either candidate. That said, former Vice President Joe Biden is sitting in a better position with 253 called electoral votes to 214 for President Trump, and by appearances, he’s doing well enough in a few of the remaining states to push him over the top. To no one’s surprise, the incumbent has been crying foul since election night and has been trying to claim victory multiple times. I won’t describe it any further, it’s being heavily covered by the media and will be well documented in the historical records I’m sure.

Just to add a bit of spice to our lives, I was following up on my credentials packet renewal at work when the clinic chief responded to an email saying that my credentials didn’t need renewal because fee-basis providers weren’t going to be used by C&P going forward. That was it. Abrupt, and with little explanation or attempt to soften the blow. The other people I’ve talked to share my opinion that this isn’t permanent, but it’s hard to predict at this point how long it will last. It was out of character for this person, although I’ve had little interaction with him so I don’t have a great deal of basis to judge how he handled it. I do consider it a failure of leadership to not have informed all the affected fee basis providers as a group.

I’ll probably pursue work with one of the contractors in the interim depending on how this plays out. I was already assuming it would be months or longer before there was any resumption of normal work, so this isn’t beyond the realm of what thought possible. That said, the manner in which the message was delivered strikes a hit against my long term loyalty to the C&P clinic and its leadership. It doesn’t seem that all the years of hard work and the thousands of exams really amounted to much, at least in the eyes of the current leadership.

The held breath before the drop...

It’s Election Day here in the US. The hope is that in twelve-ish or so hours we’ll have a new president-elect due to an overwhelming margin of victory. That’s the hope. The expectation is that we won’t be fortunate enough to get an overwhelming margin of victory and Trump will claim voter fraud and any number of other falsehoods if he isn’t declared the winner. There’s a chance the election won’t be settled for days, weeks, or even months. There’s also the chance that even with an overwhelming margin of victory by Biden that Trump will claim voter fraud, election tampering, etc. Some of us would like to think he might finally eat some humble pie, but why would he at this point? He never has before from what I know. It will be what it will be. I only hope that there isn’t an outright attempt to ignore the will of the people, because who knows what will happen to our society in the aftermath. Large scale demonstrations and riots are likely to erupt if Trump tries to subvert an election in which he’s the clear loser. Justifiably so, but I still worry for our democracy.

On to some marginally better news - I finally got someone in HR that’s responding to my request for help with my retirement savings and it appears they will submit a transaction to correct the mistake. Hopefully within the next few weeks I’ll find out my TSP account has been switched to separated, and if desired I’d have access to those funds. At present, I have no plans to touch them for another six years since I’ll be assessed an early withdrawal fee before then. As mentioned earlier, the plan is to return to full time with Berklee, and hopefully by the time I have used up the rest of my GI Bill benefits, a trickle of work would have come available by then. There are a lot of ifs in that planning, especially considering that currently the COVID pandemic has come back with a vengeance, and appears to be setting new records of morbidity and mortality. It’s tarnished the luster of returning to work in the near term a bit.

We may just continue to tread water until it seems we’re on the far end of the pandemic, which could be a year from now or even longer. I have around $20k in my deployment related TSP account, which should take less of a tax hit if I needed to make a withdrawal for an acute need. Hopefully the housing allowance from the GI Bill will be enough to keep us in the black for the next year or until I get some amount of recurring work again. All that said and even with the election misgivings, we’re feeling a bit more stable now and are settling in to the present new normal. We’ll see how long it holds.

The frustration is ever present...

After a few back and forths with VES, they requested a collaborative agreement memo signed by a physician, including their license number. This differs slightly from what I used in 2016, which was just a memo signed by a physician with their name/title printed on it. As that memo was signed by the as of then not psychotic former coworker, I knew I needed an updated memo. Thankfully, my present supervisor in my dormant fee-basis job was not only willing, but very prompt in filling out said document and returning it posthaste. Cry fury, and loose the snares of obtuse administrators improvising further obstacles over which to jump.

Now, they needed a physician licensed in Texas for the collaborative agreement. A fact they failed to mention when specifying the requirements of the memo. As luck would have it, many physicians in federal service take jobs in states different from where they are licensed. It was fairly typical in the military and I’ve noticed the same trend in federal service. To compound that problem, I’m not especially social at work, and there are only a few doctors I would even consider asking. Right now I’m still waiting on a response from the only other physician in that clinic I would feel comfortable asking. The lack of response is starting to feel like a refusal, but I’m going to give it a bit more time.

I think the requirement is nonsense because my colleague who is now working overseas, got a memo from the same doctor and apparently it was good enough for that scenario. What makes overseas and stateside different for an informal relationship where the physician just states they “are available to answer questions” is lost on me. I don’t think it matters, I think it’s just another clerk throwing up unnecessary requirements so they feel better and can shift blame if something comes back on them. This happens time and time again with credentials and other HR people. There are many benefits to being a part of a big organization like the federal government, but this is probably the biggest downside. You’re often at the mercy of an entry level admin type who is some combination of incompetent and ambivalent.

To add insult to injury (that’s overstating it a bit, but I’m going for dramatic effect), I’ve been trying for over three years to get my TSP account (401Kish) changed to reflect that I was separated from regular federal employment in 2017. Without this status change, I have no control over the account and can’t contribute funds, rollover the account, or make withdrawals. In effect, my account is frozen and out of my control. It’s not a huge acute issue at this precise moment, but if we had a financial emergency (especially considering our current situation), we’d be unable to use these funds. I’m hoping to leave it untouched until I’m 59 1/2 and can withdraw without penalty. But, if we really needed to, we could withdraw everything and payoff the house with some money left over. We’d take the tax hit and an additional 10% early withdrawal fee (which would suck), but we’d be able to shift our monthly budget by $1500 in the black since we wouldn’t be paying a mortgage any longer. I’m currently experiencing a similar scenario with the VA where my inquiries are either ignored or get to participate in the admin hot potato email game.

On hopefully more positive news, I’m strongly considering resuming my studies at Berklee. Depending on any developments with the job front, I can go back to full time studies and derive a $900 monthly housing allowance, not to mention the yearly stipend for books. I have 14 months of GI Bill remaining, so this should get us through another year of employment uncertainty. Hopefully by then, some trickle of work would have returned for fee basis examiners. It’s what I’ve been needing to do anyway, and the more I’ve thought about it, I really need to get my ass in gear and submit my application for the guitar dual major and get as much done while I have GI Bill benefits remaining. I may not be able to complete all requirements, but I should be able to close the gap significantly. I think the private lessons requirement of 9 semesters is the one I’ll most likely be lacking when my benefits are used up.

I’ll cross that bridge when I find it. I like this plan because it at least puts on more stable ground financially and I’ll be more or less in the driver’s seat again in regards to my work status.

A little bit of movement on the workfront...

I had reached out to a coworker from the VA who had switched to fee basis a few years back and had been languishing in the furlough twilight along with me. She had contacted me back in Juneish or so and asked if I had heard anything about return to work at the VA. She had originally put me in touch with VES back in 2016 and helped facilitate my working there at the time. Once I made the switch to fee basis, I didn’t see a good reason to keep a schedule at VES because I had all the work and income that I desired.

After we texted in June I asked her to let me know when she went back to work for VES since she had several exams already on deck. I hadn’t heard from her and I knew the VA was supposed to be back at 100% capacity as of October 6th, so I sent her a text saying “Que Paso?” I had also reached out to a recruiter that emailed me in April but never responded to my follow up. This time around, after three days, he replied, saying there was no work in my area. She had also responded and said they were hurting for examiners right now and were paying bonuses. I told her what the recruiter said and she didn’t think it sounded right.

She went through her recruiter (she’s working overseas) and he forwarded my info to the supervisor of domestic recruiting. Lo and behold, the recruiter who told me there was nothing now needed my information. It was a generic email that didn’t acknowledge our exchange from one week prior. I’ve found these recruiters (at least some of them) are similar to some of the folks in HR and credentials. They appear to perform the minimum requirements, but don’t expect much and you won’t be disappointed.

I decided not to mention the now ancient history email and just responded as if it was the first I had received. A few hours later I heard from someone in their admin section, requesting training certification before they could schedule me. That was Friday morning and I responded within two hours. I’m now waiting to hear back, but at least this is finally progress. I haven’t heard anything about details - where they need exams, how many, how often, etc. I’m hoping I can get something similar to what I did in 2016 - about four hours on Saturday and Sunday mornings. The weekend is irrelevant to us since we don’t work or do anything else specific on any given day, and traffic is generally much more bearable.

I’m not holding my breath, though. I won’t be shocked if it’s something like - we have Austin and Houston, but nothing in Dallas right now. Which doesn’t seem likely given that C&P face-to-face exams were shutdown nationally for several months, but I’m trying to keep my expectations low. If I can get that two days a week schedule, I think it’s reasonable to assume I could earn around $2K per weekend, which is about what I would expect on a single workday as fee basis. That would be roughly $8K a month, $5500 after taxes. Not as good as I made with fee basis, but more than enough to keep us comfortable. That said, just 20-30 DBQs a month ($2-3K) should be enough to keep us comfortably in the black for the monthly ledger. We’re trying to maintain that positive cashflow, but there are always unplanned expenditures that just marginally dip the budget into the red.

The hope is that I can get this part time work from VES to hold us over until operations resume for fee basis with the VA. I have to acknowledge that day may never come again, or at least not in the way it used to be. I’ve decided this time around to maintain at least a minimal working schedule with VES so that I always have options in case something like this happens again. Hopefully things are slowly looking up. The pandemic hasn’t gone anywhere and there are still significant numbers of uninfected. At least now procedures have been updated in most healthcare and other public facilities so we can return to some semblance of normal operation.

RIP Eddie Van Halen, 1955-2020

This year has just kept us reeling. It’s still too early to process and the pervasive undercurrent of numbness leaves me feeling disconnected like all the other endless bad news. It can’t be overstated how important Eddie was to rock music and the guitar. Often held up there with Jimi Hendrix as the biggest milestone players in the history of guitar, I’ve always felt Eddie’s influence was more pervasive. There were definitely more Eddie clones in the years following his debut album when he single-handedly turned rock music upside down. Most rock fans, especially guitarists, can still remember the first time they heard Van Halen I and Eddie’s rock guitar manifesto, Eruption. I was around 11 years old, and my sister was blasting that first album in her room. I remember just thinking that this was something otherworldly, I couldn’t conceive these sounds as emanating from one player and one guitar. It still blows my mind a bit, even forty plus years later.

Eddie has always been one of my Mt. Rushmore guitarists, going back all those years, even before I decided to pick up the instrument. He was the total package - rhythm, groove, touch, tone, melody, harmony, riffs, composition. Eddie never seemed to approach the instrument casually, he was always driven by a greater need than most of us ever possess or can understand. The stories of Eddie sitting in his room, playing the guitar for twelve hours straight, may strike some as apocryphal, but I’ve never doubted them. One only need listen to that first album and understand he had been playing less than ten years to appreciate his dedication to the instrument.

The guitar and music have gone in myriad directions since those early days, and in many ways popular music has left those 70’s and 80’s icons behind, but Eddie’s influence remains today and will persist into the future. Music lost a champion and icon and it will never see his like again. RIP Eddie, your spirit will always remain.

Ten Years Gone

As of today, I have been officially retired from the Army for ten years. It’s been a fairly busy period of time and given a fair accounting, overwhelmingly positive on a personal level, if not in the national and international scope of things. I spent the first six and a half years or so continuing to work full time, and then switched to fee basis/part-time work about three and a half years ago. Despite the pandemic and forced layoff, I still think that decision was the right one to make. The three years of earning double for half the time made significant progress towards paying off our home and reaching our long term financial goals.

We haven’t neared the finish line as closely as planned for this point in time, but we still hold out hope that this temporary setback will eventually just be a historical footnote. I can say that there have been positive discoveries made in the context of the layoff. It’s not a big change to our philosophy, but we’ve learned to further appreciate the value of financial stability. Also, dialing back the continuous consumption has had little negative affect and it’s made me realize just how much fulfillment is available in what we already have. In a peripherally related issue, getting away from essentially all social media (FB, twitter, instagram) has had little downside in my estimation. Those mediums could offer occasional (and very temporary) entertainment, but they never offered anything of lasting value. And here lately, the constant daily onslaught of misery and controversy (especially twitter) just began to wear me down. I don’t miss it a bit.

We’ve learned how adequate (or not) our pure retirement income is against the cost of living. At present it’s a bit short, although as said before, some real belt-tightening might allow us to correct the course. The additional money from paying off the mortgage will make staying in the black a bit easier. Even at present, just a couple full days of clinic would be enough to keep that monthly ledger positive, so hopefully, in the not too distant future, I might get a little trickle of work to set the ship level.

On the creative side of things, in some areas, it’s felt like very incremental progress, but progress nonetheless. I should mention the considerable time I’ve spent at Berklee which has been a great boon to my artistic development, although I’m on an extended break at present. I still plan to return, but I want to shift my focus to guitar and I’m still slowly working towards what I consider a satisfactory audition. I have until 2025 to use my GI Bill benefits, and since I’ve already used around 75% of them, I should still be on track.

I’m not sure I’m where I would have wished to be on guitar and piano especially, but I can say that I didn’t necessarily expect I would have started on drums, bass, vocals, and songwriting as well. I also wouldn’t have thought my pursuits would turn towards writing and drawing, much less resuming my long procrastinated study of Korean. Things continue to inch forward a day at a time, but that they inch forward is the point. I’m happy with where I’m going (and maybe not totally unhappy with where I’m at creatively, either) and I still wake up every day looking forward to the work ahead.

The family is doing okay, as well as could be expected I suppose. We’re not any younger, but we’re holding in there I think. Ironically, our lifestyle was already suited to the pandemic since we’re homebodies with no social circles to speak of. The only inconvenience for us was delaying some routine medical care, concerts, and being more judicious about trips to the store. Otherwise, it’s situation normal here in the Hightower holdfast. We said goodbye to our sweet girls Lucy and Bridget, and still miss them all the time. We already had Arya by the time I retired and not long after we said goodbye to Bridget five years ago we added Skittles to our pack. A chihuahua mix, she’s the princess in the house and gets the lion’s share of the attention, although we don’t fail to shower our other two girls with affection.

My hopes for the future are largely unchanged. I want to continue working on my creative pursuits every day. I still hope that at some point I’ll spend more time in a purely creative headspace instead of practicing and developing my technique, but I expect that will always be part of the daily rituals. I hope to at least reach a level of competency (on the drums especially) where I can perform and record the sort of music I hear in my head. I’m closer to that on guitar, but there’s still a ways to go. Eventually, my goal is to combine the various disciplines of music, words, and art into cohesive works that tell compelling stories. I’ll get there, even if it takes a long time. I feel like this period of my life is when I can really create the works I have always needed to make. I don’t regret any part of my life, but it would be untrue to characterize my military service or medicine as my calling. These have been challenging and at times rewarding endeavors, but my creative efforts are where my true self lives.

As long as it’s available and I’m able, I’ll probably continue to earn an income to keep us afloat first and foremost, but also to have a comfortable discretionary budget for the quality of life expenses. As probably stated before, I hope we can get back on track and build our cash reserves back up and then pay the rest of the mortgage off. At that point, one decent shift a week would keep us pretty comfortable, methinks.

Looking ahead, it’s hard to surmise where we might be in ten years. I’ll be sixty-three, just having become eligible for my VA retirement (paltry as that may be) and about four years away from social security (if that hasn’t been stolen by then). I assume we’ll have the house fully paid off, and I’d say the odds are we’ll still be right here although might change as well. My main goal with writing is to continue to improve and just create some compelling stories. It would be the proverbial icing on the cake if that would ever reach a level of quality that someone would be willing to publish it. It would be a second cake with sprinkles on the icing to ever derive any sort of income from it. Still, I have to acknowledge that it is actually a goal. Musically, maybe I’ll actually be able to play those milestone songs (you know who you are) by then. A man can dream…

Progress at work?

In an unexpected development this morning, when I went to check my work email I had a request for a medical opinion with two, count ‘em, two DBQs. We’ve already begun the planning process for retiring to the French Riviera, hold my calls.

Ahem, I’ll dial back the enthusiasm a tad and just say that it’s nice to get any work at this point. It was also a decent function check to make sure all my work programs are still accessible and functional. A few of the steps were a bit of a pain and there have been some updates to the forms and programs since I last used them in April. All that said, it was still much quicker than driving across town for about five minutes of actual work. Ok, maybe ten.

I’ve been receiving regular VA emails (directed to Veterans) stating that all C&P locations are open for face-to-face exams nationwide, although it makes it sound like exams are predominately being performed by contractors. I haven’t received any sort of requests or notification from the FWOPC or any contractors (mainly VES if it were going to happen) at this point, but that may be a reflection of the slow gears of gummit work. Today’s medical opinion was from a January exam, so obviously, the pandemic hasn’t caused VBA to speed up by any means. Still, it’s nice to have anything happen. I had checked the clinic schedules earlier this week and it seems that at least for most of the FTEs, their schedules are filling up. Hopefully, this will gradually trickle down to the fee basis providers.