The Scab has been Ripped

I left early this morning in what may have been the last visit to my workplace for the last nine years. I needed to clean out the office of all my personal items and there were quite a few documents for the shred pile. Nothing sinister or incriminating, don’t get your hopes up. It was mostly exam notes and patient labs and the like that can’t just be thrown out in the trash. I tended to hold onto notes until the drawer could no longer manage, mainly in case there were ever follow up questions about exams.

Someone had already been occupying the office, not that I took that personally. I haven’t been in there since late March, so it’s good they’re getting some use out of it. I was also happy to find that all my personal items were still there and unmolested by all appearances. In a moment of pure snarky vengeance (isn’t snarky vengeance the guitarist in Avenged Sevenfold?), I almost took everything including my power strips, but that would have left the current occupant without a functioning second monitor. I should have done it, but I felt like it was a small gesture of professionalism that no one would notice or care about.

I didn’t really feel anything, other than relief that I was able to knock it out in two air huffing trips back and forth to the car. I’m not sure if it was the mask or my lack of more strenuous cardio with the knee issues, but it’s not a feeling I’m very familiar with. I really need to get back to running, but the right knee hasn’t been open to negotiation in several months. I’m sure it was partly the mask, but I’m not convinced my fat ass isn’t partially to blame as well. Aeyong jokingly asked if I cried, and I replied “no, not even close.” I guess the pervading feeling I have at the most recent development was one of mild betrayal.

That’s saying a lot, but I did live under the illusion that people actually cared and paid attention to our efforts. Maybe I’m wrong, but it certainly doesn’t feel that way now. I think the thing that ultimately did us in is the apathy of the career federal employee. Those who are content to make entire careers out of collecting full pay and benefits while doing the bare minimum exist at all levels. Just like there are providers that would do less in a month than I would do in a six hour shift (that’s not exaggeration, it actually happened several times over), there are supervisors with similar productivity ethos. Like I mentioned earlier, it’s probably easier on them to have fewer employees and I’m fairly certain they didn’t lobby for or champion our cause. Probably the opposite.

I tend to never say never, and it won’t surprise me if we’re eventually asked back, but much will depend on how things go with VES. Right now I’m still waiting to hear from their credentialing after sending my collaborative memo on Monday. If it’s like it was in 2016 then it’s not ideal, but I could still do fine with just a few shifts a month. If it’s like Gallegos indicated, they are paying differently now. She didn’t provide details and I’m not sure that her status with VES isn’t different since she’s been a regular with them all along. The best case scenario would be them paying for every DBQ performed, and if that was the case it’s highly unlikely I would ever see a justification to returning to VHA. Only time will tell.

Strange Vibes

I’m probably overthinking it, but it’s been a strange sequence of days since I got the news fee basis were being let go permanently. I’ve sent a few follow up emails, but so far it’s radio silence, except for Curray’s single word reaction to the news - “pathetic!”. It may be largely due to sending those emails between Friday and Monday, and some people may not be back at work or at least caught up on their emails. I’ve been trying to find out what the clinic operating hours are now, since I think they’re still changed from COVID. All that I really have left is to clear my office out, and at that point I’ll have effectively washed my hands of them. I’m going to hold onto my id and check email occasionally until they tell me I must surrender that as well. I still think there’s a good chance we’ll be back, it’s just going to be a chaotic couple of months with the lame duck session and COVID back on the rise.

The curt dismissal email did have me wondering about Hasan’s intentions. Last year I had to undergo a “random” drug test, and to my knowledge it was the first one in our entire clinic in the eight years I had worked there. It didn’t matter because of course I tested negative, and maybe it was truly random. It’s just that in light of the recent apparent ambivalence it had me wondering if he had taken some of those accusations seriously. I wouldn’t necessarily blame him since he didn’t know me or any of the other accused.

I think I’m mostly overreading people’s behavior as they must surely have plenty on their minds at work and home. I’m giving them a couple more days and if I still haven’t received any responses I’ll probably just go at close of business on a Friday and clear out all my personal belongings. It’s a decent amount of stuff considering I’d been there over nine years. It’s the longest I’ve ever worked in the same specific location, so it seems weird to be possibly saying goodbye. I won’t necessarily miss it or the people, but it’s still a big transition.