HighCastle of Geek

​A blog/journal about my life and the stuff I like. Popular subjects include music, guitars, gear, books, movies, video games, technology, humor.

Episode XVIII of Old People Flex on Lame Shit, "Plumbs Were Plumbed"

One of the joy's of home ownership is that when stuff breaks, you're on the hook to fix it yourself or pay someone 3x or more what it would cost you to do it.

The ̷d̷o̷g̷ ̷s̷p̷a̷ ̷a̷n̷d̷ ̷g̷r̷o̷o̷m̷i̷n̷g̷ ̷s̷t̷a̷t̷i̷o̷n̷ ̷#̷1̷ jacuzzi tub was no longer dispensing hot water, and I eventually narrowed it down to the mixing control valve. A few hundred in parts and a generous slathering of expletives and cantankerous grunts later, the spa is back in service.

I'm basically iron man.

Ok, minus the wealth, dashing good looks, technical acumen...ok, I'm basically nothing like iron man. How about a wizard? I mean, I've got the beard and grey (pointy in parts) hat already.

How Far We Have Come (technologically)

Our first home PC was a TRS-80 Color Computer and we had an analog phone modem (handset plugged into a cradle a la WarGames). Props to my Dad for shelling out ~ $4k in today's money so I could ̷p̷l̷a̷y̷ ̷t̷e̷x̷t̷ ̷a̷d̷v̷e̷n̷t̷u̷r̷e̷s̷ further my education.

For comparison, the new Indiana Jones game I just downloaded in ~ 15 minutes (113gb file) would have taken that 300 baud modem 27 years

An Election Day (2024) Aftermath Reflection

"There, peeping among the cloud-wrack above a dark tor high up in the mountains, Sam saw a white star twinkle for a while. The beauty of it smote his heart, as he looked up out of the forsaken land, and hope returned to him. For like a shaft, clear and cold, the thought pierced him that in the end the Shadow was only a small and passing thing: there was light and high beauty for ever beyond its reach."



Some Catch Up Entries Inbound

There are some mostly pedestrian posts that I’ll make on FB and other social media that don’t necessarily belong here, but I realized that as mundane as my narrative can get at times it’s still my narrative and this is the only relatively consistent version of that going back nearly twenty years now. So, I’m retroactively posting a few recent entries that will likely seem out of sync with the post date (because they are).

Still Modeling in Middle Earth

Work continues on the creation of 3D assets and environments. Middle Earth remains the focus, with most of the time spent in Rivendell. The goal is to develop modular assets and environments that lend themselves to re-use as virtual film sets for planned deep-dive videos et al., from Fantasy & Science Fiction in all their various forms. I aspire to make "functioning" locations with credible mise en scène that can withstand close scrutiny by the camera.

This current WIP is an attempt to develop architecture evocative of Tolkien's Elvendom. Rivendell will serve as the template with similar locations like Eregion, Lindon, and perhaps other Fantasy milieus for future works. The Gothic Vault/Portico/Door design was directly inspired by the brilliant work of Roberto F. Castro as part of concept art for "The Rings of Power" streaming series.

#middleearth #Tolkien #blender #3dart #3Denvironments #fantasy #fantasyarchitecture #rivendell #elvenarchitecture #RingsOfPower

https://www.artstation.com/artwork/vJqRqd

Updates and Twatnot...

I managed to get through the dental travails, none the worse for wear. I think we’ve settled on this new dental clinic as our permanent choice. They don’t push unnecessary procedures, and the appointment and co-pay process is painless. Aeyong has been there a few times, and things have gone relatively smoothly.

This spring has been a wet one for North Texas, and as luck would have it, the rains have come at a very inopportune time for us. I had started to address some bare spots in the lawn with a seed fabric (Growtrax), and while I was in the process, I thought it would make more sense to try and rejuvenate the entire front yard. Mother nature thought otherwise. The fabric is susceptible to high winds and heavy rain. We tried to time the installation for a calm day, which was several days before the next rain forecast.

We didn’t look close at the rain forecast, it was predicted at around 50% so we didn’t have much concern. Famous last words. We received record rainfall that weekend and similar torrential rains for the next two weekends. Much of the material and seeds washed out, leaving the lawn with many bare spots. I decided to put any lawn rejuvenation on hold until the spring rains had died down. That means late June at the earliest.

In the meantime, I think it was sometime in May that the upstairs HVAC started struggling. To cut the story short, several different companies came out, and all of them recommended a new system (surprise, surprise). We got a fairly wide range of estimates, none of which were cheap. During this process, an HVAC contractor (Atlas AC) that hosts a YouTube channel came up in my feed. I had watched a few of their videos and liked their transparency about the process and prices. As luck would have it, they are headquartered in Texas, and they serve our area.

They publish all their prices online, and there’s a tool to design your own system and get a cost estimate. The prices were much more reasonable and I didn’t have to worry about any gotchas or last-minute changes. I had them come out and estimate our needs, and then we purchased the new system. We had a few payment options, including paying cash outright, using our credit cards, or financing it through their affiliated credit company, CreditHuman.

We didn’t want to take on more debt just as we were getting close to paying off the only remaining debt we had, which was our mortgage. But, we didn’t want to use our emergency cash to pay for something we could get financed. We decided to withdraw $5K from our TSP (IRA), which has had a good year. We’ll end up paying a 10% early withdrawal penalty in addition to taxes, but for something as important as HVAC in Texas, we decided this was a worthy exception.

The install didn’t go as smoothly as desired, we had everything from one of the installers falling off the attic ladder (due to their own incompetence) as well as the outside condenser getting dented at some point in the delivery and installation process. The good news is that Atlas AC stands behind their services and products, and they came back out to replace the damaged condenser with a new one and assess and clean up some residual trash and damage. They also installed two new closet AC runs that were supposed to be installed during the initial visit. During the first visit, the installer removed the attic ladder hinges and springs, and when they put them back together, they didn’t replace some framing nails holding the ladder securely. The installer also damaged our wall when he fell. Atlas AC scheduled a handyman to come out and repair the damage. He’s been out to check and should return sometime next week to make the repairs. All’s well that ends well, and overall we’re happy with the result and will probably use them again when the downstairs unit inevitably needs replacement.

I’ve continued on my primary creative disciplines of 3D and guitar. The other disciplines have been on hold with all the additional concerns of the lawn, HVAC, Aeyong’s medical issues (routine) and the thousand little daily distractions. I resume my guitar studies at Berklee on Monday week, so I’ve been reviewing all the level 1-3 material as well as starting on the level 4 material. I should have enough remaining benefits to complete the Guitar Performance degree with only one semester of the private guitar instruction remaining that I’ll have to pay for myself. I’ve fought against a lack of motivation for more of the theory fire hydrant, but I know that if I don’t take advantage of these remaining benefits, I’ll likely look back on it as a failure. I hope with some deeper immersion (meaning more dedication to the guitar program), that I’ll finally be able to absorb this knowledge and these techniques into my automatic vocabulary on the instrument. All with the main goal of writing great songs, and not necessarily in line with the focus and intent of many of Berklee’s instructors.

As time is of the essence, I decided to try and finish (reset) my yard renovations before the start of the summer semester. While we were laying the yard fabric, a part of one of the rolls came loose and a bunch of seeds spilled out in a pile. We had already laid fabric around it and didn’t want to walk on it, so we just left the pile as it was. Lo and behold, that particular patch was the only part of the new lawn that grew in as thick and lush as we desired. The remainder of the fabric grew in sparse and thin. The good news is I finally have evidence that a thick, lush lawn is possible if the appropriate steps are taken.

I ended up watering with less volume but more frequently that I had with new seed in the past. The other lesson I think I’ve learned is that I need to ensure the seed is at least partially pushed into the soil as opposed to just broadcast spreading and hoping for the best. To that end, I decided to follow the lead of some successful YouTubers and employ several techniques for the first time. Namely, I’m getting five yards of enriched topsoil delivered so I can level out several low areas while providing a nutrient-dense base for the new seed. I’ll be using a lawn levelling rake to get the topsoil spread and levelled, and then I’ll probably give the topsoil a light scarification before laying down a new seed. I’ve purchased some common Bermuda with added fertilizer and some premium Bermuda hybrid seeds. Yesterday I scalped the lawn (for the second time this year), scarified the soil, and then laid down the Anderson’s PGF fertilizer in preparation for the new topsoil coming next week. I also need to install this yard barrier against the sidewalk to keep the new topsoil from washing out on the sidewalk.

When I ordered the topsoil, there was no rain forecast for the next several weeks, but, when I looked at today’s forecast, next week there is now, wait for it, rain in the forecast. I’ve already pulled the trigger on the topsoil and paid for it, and with Berklee starting up again the following week, there won’t be another good time until the fall. I don’t want to try to replant the yard during the hottest time of the year (July-August) despite reports that Bermuda can handle it.

The Hits Just Keep On Coming

My late December medical misadventures had mostly resolved only to be replaced by dental shenanigans. I’ve had some long neglected issues that I put off because they weren’t painful and I didn’t want to fork over hundreds or more likely thousands of dollars for what was mostly just an annoyance.

Whelp, as in the past, once a nerve root gets fully exposed even the most stalwart would likely put pain reduction over pocketbook. I’ve had both a broken tooth and crown (on separate teeth) for several years, but within the last month I had a cavity in my right upper first bicuspid (I think) which revealed itself when a cute little portal opened up in the bottom. Portals can be useful things, especially if they go to magical kingdoms or take you planetside, but they are less desirable in one’s chompers.

I scheduled a dental exam with a new clinic (it was the previous clinic, Monarch, that had soured both my wife and I from going for so long), and at the time time of the exam I wasn’t yet in a great deal of pain. Fast forward to three days ago and the pain started ramping up. It got bad enough that it woke me up at midnight on Thursday/Friday and I contacted the clinic requesting a same day/walk in appointment.

The clinic is normally closed on Friday, and additionally, Dr. Nguyen who performs the root canals is supposed to be on maternity leave, but they were willing to come into the clinic and take care of my problem. The procedure went smoothly and my only discomfort was due to bladder distension (don’t drink the coffee, you’ll soil yourself) (if you know that reference you’re old too). I had essentially no dental or oral pain once I was numbed up.

Once the anesthesia started to wear off yesterday and into last night the pain came back and was almost the same severity although the quality of the pain had changed since the nerve had been removed. Now the pain was spread over several teeth and also affected my mucosa. My face has swollen up to the point it looks like I’ve got a big chew in. I just need to throw on my baseball uniform and commence to spittin’.

Nothing has really touched the pain except for warm compresses and some Orajel cream that I had same-dayed (totes a word) this morning. Unfortunately it only seems to last about an hour when the recommended dosing schedule is 6 hours. Dosing schedule be damned until this pain and swelling start to decline.

I hope the succession of medical to dental chicanery was just random chance and not a sign of a larger problem. Meaning, it’s not typical for me to have big flare ups when I have injuries or illness. The shoulder/chest whatever it was accelerated above and beyond any notable triggers. Maybe there was something there that no one including my various providers or myself have been able to sus out. Maybe my immune system is getting more persnickety as I get older. I hope not.

This dental episode isn’t too removed from previous, although the severity has been higher not to mention the facial swelling which I’ve not had in the past. It was noted that I had a few elevated inflammatory markers during the shoulder/chest extravaganza (ESR, CRP), but these are non-specific and don’t clarify the source. I’m curious if they would be similarly elevated during this dental episode. As often happens, the diagnostic studies raise more questions than they provide answers.

Hopefully this dental shindig will start winding down and I can return to the regularly scheduled programming. It’s ironic because I had made several upgrades and fixed multiple issues in both my video studio and drum rooms, but I’ve been unable to enjoy them fully due to the pain and discomfort.

I should also mention that our girls have been very sweet in noting my discomfort. They are always quick to realize when their humans are distressed or in pain, and they adjust their behavior. Instead of negotiating (begging, harassing, etc.) for treats, walks, or playtime, they typically just lay down somehere near us and give us companionship without bothering us otherwise. Even Nynaeve, who is by far the most insistent for playtime, etc. has been following her sister’s lead and just staying close without asking for anything. Of course Aeyong is perpetually on the spot to give help or comfort when I’m in pain. I mostly deal with it myself, but her willing assistance is always appreciated.

The Cost of Healthcare

A quick addendum to the previous post…I was reviewing my health insurance account and a few of the claims had come through from this event. The hospital stay at Methodist Mansfield (which I assume to be all-inclusive but may not count the ER visit) ran up a bill of ~$33K. In the normal nebulous policy of insurance payouts, Tricare paid them ~$2.5K for the total amount. It looks like we’re on the hook for $73, which again, may be for everything or just the hospital stay. We paid a similar amount for the ER evaluation at Medical City, so who knows?

Suffice it to say that the cost of healthcare in this country is so beyond the pale it’s hard to fathom. We feel very fortunate to not only have medical insurance, but affordable insurance compared to many people. I think our yearly fees are equivalent to what many people pay each month. This was only an acute event and my total hospitalization was only about 36 hours. Granted, there were some expensive diagnostic studies included, but I can only imagine a long-term stay or the cost of a chronic disease with recurrent hospitalizations or expensive interventions.

A New Year and a Health Scare

Things are going fairly well as I type this on January 3rd, 2024. My health decided to close out the year by reminding me I’m not getting any younger. I’ve had this intermittent vague pain and paresthesias mostly in my left arm for years. I think I may have even posted about it several years ago when I had severe elbow and forearm issues that were aggravated by playing various musical instruments. That was more bilateral, but maybe the left was worse.

Fast forward to this last year and I’ve had recurrent mild issues almost solely in the left arm, starting at the shoulder and going all the way to my fingers. It seemed to predominate in a more ulnar distribution, but the entire limb can be affected. I think prolonged less than ergonomic fixed positions at my desk probably aggravated the issue.

On Christmas Eve we decided to drink the champagne that had been reserved for New Year’s Eve and that rolled into several glasses of wine as I had a pleasant evening watching the Police reunion concert and some other music videos. On Christmas Day I was slightly hungover, but not feeling too bad. I had a decent day - did some baking (rolls, cookies, pizza), walked the dogs, and felt better as the day progressed. As of dinner time, I was feeling fine, although maybe my arm had been acting up during the day, I hadn’t noted any change.

Around 6-7 pm, the pain in the arm increased in severity and was affecting the entire limb from the shoulder down. I couldn’t find a comfortable position and was unable to sit still. I got up and walked around, tried to move the arm through various rotations, and even went outside for a few minutes despite the cold. Nothing I could do was helping and the pain was spreading to my chest and then jaw, while also increasing in severity. I’d characterize the normal pain level at an annoying 2 most of the time, but this episode started as a 6 and was climbing towards 8-9.

I think I took some Tylenol and was still unable to sit still and get comfortable. I thought I might lie down and see if I could sleep it off. That aggravated the jaw and now neck pain, and the severity kept increasing. Being a PA, I recalled from my training in ACLS that one of the instructors referred to an acute myocardial infarction as “infarcting” as opposed to infarction. Meaning, the condition progresses if no actions are taken.

I was downstairs (I think to get Tylenol, but can’t remember the exact sequence of events) when Aeyong got up to get the dogs to go outside since they can be recalcitrant when the weather’s cold or rainy. She immediately noted something was wrong and I told her I thought I might need to go to the ER. She shifted to Defcon 1 in two seconds and was donning clothes and scurrying around the house to grab her purse and keys.

She was taking it more seriously than I was, although the fact this was my first ER trip in 29 years wasn’t lost on me. I decided to go to Medical City in Arlington since it had been recommended to us when Aeyong broke her wrist a few years ago. I think that recommendation was more based on the facility being a Level 1 trauma center as opposed to the quality of the ER.

To their credit, when I presented with chest pain they got me back for evaluation within a few minutes, performing an EKG, CXR, and drawing cardiac labs. We were sent back to the waiting room pending the results. I got a look at the EKG while still in the room and it was “abnormal” based on I think t wave inversion, but there was no significant ST elevation or Q waves that I could spot. Honestly, I had a low index of suspicion for cardiac since I still run regularly and although I have some risk factors, I don’t smoke and my blood pressure has been essentially normal during routine exams.

In the ER my BP was high - 162/98, and this trend would persist during most of this episode. We waited in the ER for several hours, although I think at one point one of the nurses came out and told us the cardiac enzymes were normal. This was my main concern, and with normal enzymes, I was relatively reassured that whatever was going on, it wasn’t cardiac. They kept us for six hours or so, primarily so that serial enzymes could be run and these were also normal.

Ironically, my pain was getting worse and was now becoming more diffuse across my chest, neck, and jaw. It stayed on the left side only, never crossing the midline in the chest, but it was bilateral in the neck and jaw area. Medical City did its main job, but other than that, I was underwhelmed. I was evaluated by a PA, and to his credit, he made sure the most life-threatening issue was cleared, but he never asked about my pain level from a therapeutic standpoint, and at the time he gave us the serial results his attitude was “enzymes are normal” as if there was nothing left to discuss. He never asked about whether my symptoms had changed or worsened, and he never offered any therapy or pain management.

In his defense, I didn’t ask or press the issue because I knew the ER wasn’t my PCM and it was 3:30 in the morning and we were ready to go home. The walk out to the car was some of the worst pain I had felt all night and Aeyong was asking me to go back in or to go to some other ER. I was inclined to believe it had to be neuropathic or musculoskeletal and although quite painful, not life-threatening.

We made it home and I think I took some Tylenol while we tried to get a few hours of sleep. I got up around 7ish and was able to book a follow-up with my PCM for the next morning. Throughout the day the pain never got much better so I tried a hot shower (which helped temporarily) and continued with Tylenol. Aeyong suggested her Robaxin which I tried but didn’t notice any difference. I think it was that night that I couldn’t sleep so I took some leftover Hydrocodone from a previous dental procedure. This gave me a good 4ish hours of uninterrupted sleep.

When I saw my PCM, she was concerned that this might still represent an undiagnosed cardiac or pulmonary issue so she recommended that we go across the street to the Mansfield Methodist ER. We followed her advice and were soon whisked in and went through the same initial workup. EKG, CXR, labs. The ER doc also wanted to run some additional inflammatory markers (ESR, CRP) as well as D-Dimer and BNP. Those markers were all elevated although the cardiac exam was still normal.

She then sent me for a CT Pulmonary Angiogram within the ER to rule out pulmonary embolus and this exam was essentially normal except for some nodules (benign) and a trace pleural effusion that was unlikely to be of any clinical concern. She suggested that there could still be underlying cardiac issues that would need a Cardiologist and further diagnostic studies to rule out. She recommended hospital admission to streamline and expedite the process, stating that it could take weeks or longer if pursued as an outpatient.

I was initially hesitant since this was my first ER visit and possible hospitalization since 1994, most importantly, my first since retirement and I was concerned about cost. Aeyong was adamant that I get a thorough workup and not leave questions unanswered. To her eternal credit, she is always going to push for me to get adequate healthcare and evaluation and not leave things to chance. Despite the possibility of a financially devastating hospital bill, I took Aeyong’s and the ER doc’s recommendation and decided to go forward with the admission.

Bed space was precious, so l was admitted to a just-opened room in the OB ward. The room was quite nice, almost more like a hotel with a private bathroom, desk, recliner, couch, and bed. I was kept under observation and offered some pain relief. I tried T3 with codeine which didn’t do much to blunt the pain. The pain had essentially continued but was coming in waves of severity and then settling down for no discernible reason. It seemed to be centered in the left shoulder and at times would shoot back up to a 7 or 8. After midnight the nurse offered pain relief and I said I didn’t want T3 and would prefer just a gram of Tylenol instead. She then said I could get Hydrocodone if I wanted and I related that it had helped at home, so I decided to have it.

Again, the Hydrocodone helped me get about four hours of sleep. I was NPO as of midnight so they could perform the cardiac stress test. I should mention they had given me nitroglycerin in the ER, and I think it helped some with my chest pain, but can’t state that with confidence. The one outcome I’m relatively sure about is that it gave me a headache and this persisted through the day into the evening. In the morning my primary pain was the headache, as the shoulder and chest pain had died down somewhat.

The night before and earlier that morning I was relatively certain I would need the chemical stress test as I would be unable to perform the treadmill stress test due to my headache and other pain. Once I got down to the testing suite in Radiology, my only pain was the headache and I felt capable of at least trying the TMST. I went through with it and was able to complete the test satisfactorily.

We went back to the room and Aeyong got some food so were able to share a brunch so to speak. Periodically throughout my stay, they would check vitals (Q4h I think) and at times of rest they would be more normal, but if I was up and moving around the BP especially would get higher. Thus far, most testing was normal, except for the D-Dimer, ESR, and CRP. These were all elevated, but they’re non-specific so they mostly only raised more questions rather than providing answers.

I eventually had another radiology tech come to my room in the late afternoon to conduct an echocardiogram there at my bedside. A little after 5 my nurse came in with some papers and notified me I had been discharged by the Cardiologist/Hospitalist. They were confident my issue was non-cardiac and didn’t warrant further testing or hospitalization. I agreed with them and had to get Aeyong out of bed back home to come pick me up. She had run herself ragged going back and forth between home to care for the dogs and coming to the hospital to look after me. Her gas tank is much smaller nowadays and she can quickly drive herself to exhaustion and pain when anything disrupts the normal schedule.

I’m now nine days past the initial episode. The shoulder and arm issues persist, albeit much decreased in severity. I have a follow-up pending on Friday with my PCM, Dr. Avenesyan. My working diagnosis is neuritis or radiculitis that flared up for whatever reason and spread to adjacent structures for reasons undetermined at this point. I’ve been able to walk the dogs every day and I even was able to run on the treadmill yesterday, although a bit slower (5 mph) and for only three miles. I made some changes in my office, removing the wheels from the desk so it’s slightly lower and even putting the keyboard in my lap as I type this long-winded explanation.

I’ll see on Friday whether my PCM wants to send me for further studies. I imagine a CT or MRI and possibly a Neuro/Pain Mgmt eval might be in the cards. All this rambling to relate the conclusion that my threshold for health problems is decreasing as the years pass. I had an acute episode of foot swelling this summer that I think was brought on by excessive sodium intake (snacks) as well as alcohol consumption. I hadn’t drunk any alcohol after that episode up until Thanksgiving. That week saw my frustration with Berklee at an all-time high and accelerated my previous holiday plans by nearly a month.

This rolled into drinking beer for about three weeks straight (we went through four cases of beer in that time frame) as well as not exercising or eating particularly healthy for over two weeks. Ironically, I had returned to my normal schedule for over a week and had run on Sunday without any significant issues. I don’t necessarily think the Christmas Eve champagne and wine were the direct cause of the episode, but a repeating theme in the past few years has been that my health isn’t quite as resilient as it was in my younger days.

I can no longer negate the alcohol and unhealthy food choices with exercise. Now, I have to manage my nutrition more closely than ever before. Alcohol and junk food can manifest as poor health outcomes within just a few days as opposed to being inconsequential (in the short-term) in the past. Whenever I drink now, almost every health metric starts to suffer - sleep quality, nutrition, activity level, mood, cognitive function, motivation, etc.

I haven’t sworn off alcohol permanently, but I’m going to need to shift to small amounts over brief periods, for example, a six-pack shared with Aeyong every few months and never the larger amounts consumed over consecutive days. I’m happy that I never became an alcoholic, but it’s easy for it to become more habitual if you’re complacent about it. To bring things back to the start of this novella, complacency is no longer an option when it comes to my health.

As we age, we have to an active role in managing our health or we’ll be forced to continually rely on the aid of others as we watch our health gradually decline. I’ve set a goal for myself that I won’t have any alcohol or junk food (like Doritos) until I get my weight back under 200 pounds. I had got it down under 210 just in November, but I think I probably gained back another 5-10 pounds since then. Hopefully, once I return to regular exercise and a better diet, those pounds will start coming off. I’ve been largely ambivalent about being overweight for a long time, but I’ve got to take a more holistic view because all aspects of my life tend to take their lead from my physical health.

A Few Weeks Hence

The Berklee fall semester came to a close this past Sunday, and while I’ve had a bit of time to reflect (since I finished all my work this time last week), my attitude hasn’t changed.

I had a brief conversation with my instructor Norm Zocher and he was supportive and tried to convince me that I should continue on at Berklee and that I was good enough to keep going. I appreciated the gesture, but I find myself disagreeing with his estimation, at least at this stage in my education. He was nice enough to send me a preview of the level four and five course material and it just reinforces that I’m not ready.

The guitar degree requires that each level builds on the previous and there’s a presumption that all previous material is retained and it will be tested on eventually. I realized that my approach has been a bit of smoke and mirrors and that this eventually will become my downfall if I don’t correct it. Specifically, I’ve never really embraced sight reading on the guitar and I’ve been using Guitar Pro as a crutch to allow me to just learn pieces via tablature rather than by standard notation.

I’m still not convinced of the utility of standard notation in my use case, but certainly the level of complexity only increases as the Berklee major progresses to where I wouldn’t be able to “fake it” and get away with it.

Right now the pervasive feeling is that I’m not going to respond well to a rigid schedule of assignments on a deadline. I’m disappointed in myself for not absorbing more of the material and I feel I’m well short of where I should be at this stage in my education and playing. Because I’ve got several creative disciplines of interest, I think I need a completely self-paced approach where I can be as deliberate as necessary with each step and never feel rushed as well as never needing to pause or subvert whatever was my primary project (music or otherwise) at any given moment.

Disillusionment

Despite some tentative optimism, this semester at Berklee has been more of the same vis á vis rigid application of theory, long lists of scales, arpeggios, chords to be swallowed and regurgitated for the sake of checking boxes. It occurred to me that, ironically, the most valuable musical courses for me have been those that were ostensibly a part of the production degree program.

Most of those courses were built on projects that we would create and develop throughout the semester, lending a sense of ownership and making the individual assignments that made up the whole possess a greater weight than another week’s bland arrangement of an old jazz standard to be played poorly and nitpicked for transcription and timing errors.

Most of the courses that make up the guitar degree program are of the jazzers, by the jazzers, for the jazzers. I shouldn’t be that surprised because it is Berklee and that’s kind of their calling card. I’ve found that I require a significant dose of creativity and ownership to be integral to effective learning, and without it, it’s just rote memorization that will evaporate in short order at semester’s end.

On that note(s), I’ve come to the conclusion that I’m not likely to continue at Berklee. I think I’ve mentioned previously that the main reason for my return last year was to get the additional income courtesy of the housing allowance. This hasn’t changed and hasn’t helped in my engagement for these classes. The other key issue is that I had used up so much of my credits that I could only take core requirements and so all the guitar courses that I would take by preference were no longer going to receive benefit payments since I’d used up all my electives.

At best, I have enough benefits for one full time semester where I would get that housing allowance. There are only two remaining courses I can take, and both are likely to be theory fire hydrant swallow and regurgitate types that I’ve come to dread. It would be one thing if my frustrations with these courses was self-contained but I find that needing to spend hours per day to digest course requirements and the weekly grind of transcription, practice and performance tends to suck away any motivation I have for my other artistic disciplines.

Everything besides Berklee has been suffering in the last year…drums, keys, bass, vocals, drawing. I’ve held on to reserving time to work on 3D projects and tutorials, but even these are tempered by the daily Berklee distraction. Although I don’t like the idea of forfeiting a semester’s worth of housing allowance payments, I don’t think it’s worth the negative impact it has on my creative disciplines and motivation in general.

I’m taking next semester off regardless, so I won’t say I’ve made a final decision as I still have time to change my mind before my benefits expire in 2025. As of now, this feels like my last semester at Berklee. I’ll probably give myself time to reflect and post again on this at a later date.

Not bad, but it could be better...

This should be a short one (famous last words). I’ve had to reflect on the amount of time it’s taken me to progress in my first big 3D project, the Moria environment for my Doors of Durin Legends Unboxed video. I was trying to remember when I started and coincidentally, the order from Weta actually shipped a year ago yesterday. That means the idea for the unboxing video is about that old now.

I’ve certainly made some progress in the last year, but there have been many starts and stops and several times I’ve rebooted the entire project. Which leads me to the post title. Often, I’ll set out to model a certain element, like the Doors themselves, and I’ll get a result that’s “satisfactory”, at least based on my current skillset at the time. I’ll then move on to the next logical step or two, and after I complete those I’ll likely have improved my overall skillset slightly, enough to look back a few steps and think “Not bad, but it could be better.”

It’s accurate to say that this project in many ways has been an education in 3D…from modeling to environment design to materials and textures, visual fx, fluid simulations, sculpture, and the list goes on. I’ve been slowly building on my foundational skills, and probably more importantly, my eye and ability to discern what’s mediocre, what’s okay, and what’s sublime. I’ve made many things in the first category, some in the middle, and as yet, none in the latter.

Learning to make the distinction and force myself to acknowledge that something is not bad, but could be better has become my approach to pushing my skillset further and hopefully achieving the results I see in my mind’s eye. The main downside is that it’s increasing the project size and time (noob hours?) and taking much longer to complete. And, I’m still in a place where nothing feels completely finished and will likely be revisited and improved or redone before I’m satisfied. What was meant to be a relatively short unboxing video with a bit of extra lore thrown in has evolved to become an education in itself.