Ahhh, professionalism...

I would have posted this to facebook, but this is probably a better venue (because no one will read it) for a short vent. When I arrived at work today, I discovered my computer had basically called it quits. It had done this a few times in the past, but it was usually revivable with a few hard reboots. This time, after 6 or 7 attempts it was still down for the count. I notified our administrator and the clinic chief and switched to an office across the hallway until they could fix the problem. We can't do our job in C&P without the computer (well, technically you could if you had the forethought to print out exam worksheets before the exam, but why would you do that, it would be wasting paper since they have to be submitted electronically anyway).

Long story short, the office I was borrowing had been reserved for another PA but he hadn't ever used it yet (he already has an office). I didn't think it would be a problem since I would most likely only need it for one or two days. I had notified the chief and administrator when I told them my computer was down that I was going to be using that office. Apparently he had received his keys last week, and today was going to be his big move-in day. He walked into the office after 8am and I was preparing to see my first patient and I quickly told him that I had to borrow his office until my computer was fixed.

Without going into all the gory details, he essentially threw a temper tantrum and said I had to get out of his office and he was going to call security. I explained to him that this was cleared through the chief of the clinic, and we could talk to him about it. This guy refused to talk to the chief and said he would get security if he had to.

He was blowing smoke, because this wasn't "his" office anymore than it belongs to anyone. It's the VA and everything is government property. He then later barged in while I was seeing a patient and acted like an ass in front of the patient as well.

I spoke to the chief of the clinic about his behavior and the chief said he would counsel him later. I made a point of documenting the encounter in detail and sending it to the chief. I haven't seen Mr professional since then, I'm hoping he's coming to realize what an unprofessional ass he was and is perhaps rethinking his conduct.

It was really random. I don't know this guy at all, we haven't previously interacted much at all. I almost wonder if he has borderline personality disorder or some other mental illness. That does stand out as the single most immature episode of behavior I have ever seen in a colleague since I became a PA nearly 14 years ago. I expect that sort of behavior from privates in basic training, but this was just plain weird. What an ass clown...

The Ides of March

and my guitar resumption anniversary. I started playing guitar (again) 8 years ago today after about a 15 year lapse since my early twenties. I've posted on the topic several times in previous blog entries. Suffice to say, it was one of the most important decisions I've ever made in my life. Probably only outranked by marrying Aeyong, joining the Army, and pursing college/PA school. Becoming a musician again (I've always remained a fan) filled a void in my life that I wasn't aware existed. Aeyong would say it created a void in our bank account, but ahem, that's another bag of picks.

It's strange how certain things can validate you internally moreso than other events that have more significance for the world at large. Of all my accomplishments in life, finally getting close to playing songs like Eruption or any number of Tommy Emmanuel pieces means more to me than just about anything. Maybe it's easy to say when I'm on the inside looking out, at least as far as my military and academic achievements. I don't know. But I feel like it wouldn't matter. I had such an early connection with music and I still vividly remember many musical events through my life. It's probably pathetic in the eyes of others (not that I care) that I'm still pursuing musical goals that were born 30+ years ago. But this is what charges my batteries and makes me happy.

In retrospect of the last 8 years, I've made significant progress and also gone through a large volume of gear changes. When I resumed playing, I could still play basic chords and I sort of remembered the blues/major scales. It seemed like I progressed very rapidly at first, and after a few months I started playing primarily acoustic. I made an important decision at the time to start learning songs that were several years of practice beyond my current ability. What I have learned over the years is that progress on guitar, or any instrument, is based on plateaus. Or at least it seems that way. Regular, focused practice of the correct things (usually that means your weaker points) will be rewarded with improvement, although it may not be apparent for a long time.

Before I started playing guitar again, I spent my leisure time playing golf, video games, watching tv, reading books. I still have those hobbies (not so much golf) but they have decreased in relation to the amount of time I spend playing. What I discovered with guitar, and later all the instruments I play (keys, bass) is that you get back what you put into it. If you work hard at improving, you will. It may be hard to measure progress at times, but if you're spending regular time with your instrument (in an effort to improve) you will get better. That's not really the case with video games, tv, movies, books. Yes, you can learn and grow from these types of media, but I mostly read and watch to escape, not to grow. I do read non fiction and classics fairly often, but I mostly just want to be entertained.

For me, the big picture improvements (learning to play Eruption, being able to improvise over chord changes effectively, writing, etc) are the more long term goals you have for playing, but I have discovered that the incremental improvements are a big part of ongoing satisfaction as well. In the course of learning more difficult songs, little sequences within the songs are often points of challenge. It can be a fast run, or a difficult chord stretch, etc. When you finally get to the point where you can just play a sequence like that smoothly without having to stop (even if it's not up to tempo yet) it's an amazing feeling.

I've discovered that after about 3000 hours of practice (that's my highly accurate scientific estimate) I actually enjoy the busy work of being a musician. I stole that phrase from Brandon Sanderson's description of why he chose writing over chemistry. He's a popular fantasy writer with several best sellers but he went to college as a chemistry major. He said he enjoyed the big picture concepts of chemistry, but he really got bogged down with the tedium of lab work. However, he never minded the busy work of writing which can be hours and hours of daily writing and rewriting for months or years before a publishable novel is finished.

I feel the same way about music and being a musician. The real payoff is when you learn a song the whole way through and can just play it from an emotional standpoint without focusing on the physical task. This is quickly possible for simple songs (3 chord Dylan tunes for example), but takes years of work for others. However, along the way you see incremental improvements in the parts that make up the whole, and I derive pleasure and fulfillment from that as well. If I didn't, I would have given up long ago.

I think the only important quality that separates an accomplished musician from a "failed" musician, is that they wanted it more so they never quit working at it. Obviously that probably applies to any hard task that takes a long time to complete. There are several books and other published works out there about innate talent in relation to hard work. I'm firmly in the hard work camp. The generally accepted amount of time required for one to become a virtuoso musician is about 10,000 hours. This was based on various longitudinal studies of professional musicians and the common separation between the university musicians who would go on to become renowned and/or highly successful musicians was that they practiced more often for a longer period of time than their peers.

The simplest way for me to describe the long lasting appeal of music and being a musician is that it's like a never ending well for me. I always find something new to enjoy, whether it's totally new or just a new realization or discovery about something I already was playing. I also have discovered that I kind of like that music is so hard at times. I think that's one of the reasons why it's so much more satisfying to accomplish things in music. For me to be able to play Eruption represents 30+ years of wishing I could play it, combined with several years of practice (not consistently and consecutively for Eruption in particular) to get to the point where it's achievable. Even if I never played it for anyone, it's still a very significant milestone for me as a player and fan. And there's no other way to get that feeling. I've gone to hundreds of concerts over the years, and we still go (we have 6 upcoming between April-August 2012) on a regular basis because we (mostly me) still experience a high at concerts that nothing else can replicate. But the feeling I get at a concert is different than the feeling of being able to play a song by my idols or one I've written myself. Not necessarily a superior feeling, but a different one that can't be replicated by any other means.

Updated Gear List

Since you asked. You did ask, didn't you? This is the list as it will look in a few weeks:

Guitars
Gibson Les Paul Custom Black
Suhr Modern Black Cherry
Fender Eric Johnson Stratocaster Tobacco Sunburst
James Tyler Variax Tobacco Sunburst
Maton EBG808 Acoustic
Fender Geddy Lee Jazz Bass Tobacco Sunburst
Yamaha Classical

Keyboards
Roland RD700GX Digital Piano
M-Audio Oxygen 25 Midi Controller/Keyboard

Preamp/Processors
Fractal Audio Axe Fx II
Fractal Audio MFC 101 Floor Controller (Mission Engineering EP-1 Expression Pedals (2))
TC Helicon Voiceworks Plus

Mixing/Signal routing
Presonus StudioLive 16.4.2 Digital Mixer
Line 6 Relay G50 Wireless

Amplification/Sound Reproduction
JBL EON 515 (2)
Atomic Amplification Reactor Powered Wedge
Mesa Stiletto 4x12 Cabinet
M-Audio BX5A Studio Monitors (2)

Computer Hardware/Software
Apple iMac desktop (primary DAW)
Apple Macbook Pro (secondary - used with roland setup)
Apple Logic Studio
Native Instruments Komplete 7

Miscellaneous
Blue Chip picks (regular & thumb)
Slick Pick Thumbpicks
Elixir acoustic strings
D'Addario electric strings
Lava Cables
NYC Pedalboard

And last, but not least, the "to buy" list:

PRS Angelus SE Custom (this is the short term acoustic upgrade which will necessitate the sell of the Maton first), PRS Angelus Custom (this is the long term, after we buy a house, nice acoustic), Matrix GTFX800 SS Amp (for powering axe through Mesa stiletto or other guitar cabs), Port City Amp OS 2x12 wave cabinet (most likely will sell Mesa if I'm going to get this), Godin multiac nylon (with synth pin), Gibson ES (can't decide whether to go all out with an ES-175 or something semi like an ES-137), Roland electronic drums, nicer PA system (most likely JBL, but just a higher power system with subs). That's all I can think of at the moment. The only relatively likely item in the short term is the PRS SE Angelus. The others are all probably years down the road.

The ever evolving gear list

I don't think your gear list stabilizes until you die, and then technically it continues to change based on who inherits your stuff although at that point it's no longer your gear. The latest major changes are the addition of an MFC-101 Floor Controller for the Axe as well as two mission engineering pedals and a NYC pedalboards custom case to house them in. Right on the heels of that will be a new James Tyler Variax, which is essentially the second generation Variax electric from Line 6 designed by boutique-ish luthier James Tyler and I think assembled in China (South Korea?). It will be replacing my previous Line 6 acoustic and Charvel San Dimas, both of which are currently on Ebay and confirmed to sell as they both have received bids, thank you very much. My hope is that the bidding will go up enough that I break even on the whole encounter. Right now I stand to lose about $400 if nothing changes as the Line 6 acoustic started at $500 and the Charvel at $600.

There's been a decent amount of interest in both and I'm hoping that tax season means enough interested bidders have spending money to get the bidding up a bit. $750 for each is probably a stretch, but it's still a good deal and I've gotten decent use out of them. In the case of the Charvel, it's been a good guitar for what it was designed for, but I got the Suhr Modern about 18 months after I got the Charvel, and since then I haven't really had a good reason to play it. I was holding on to it as a backup if I needed to play a seedier dive, but when I started to consider that it and the Line 6 were gathering dust and I did a little research on the JT Variaxes, the decision was easy.

The JT variax will allow me to have a true swiss army knife guitar that is actually a good instrument on it's own. The nice thing is that these guitars are regular electric guitars with pickups that can be played in that manner, or you can use the modeled guitars. They have also have the ability to change tunings with a knob, as opposed to the previous generation where this had to be done through software. This may end up being a primary(ish) gigging guitar, although it has the stop tailpiece and not a tremolo which might necessitate the Suhr. The nice benefit is that I'll have access to all the electric models like Gretsch, Gibson ES 175s and equivalent, Rick 12 Strings, Sitar, several acoustic models and the aforementioned custom tunings (drop d, Eb, dadgad, etc.). This will satiate my need for a semi/hollow body for awhile. I still can't play that style well enough to justify a nice guitar.

On the subject of the MFC 101, I'm slowly figuring out how to use it and how I want to use it. It's been really nice to be able to continue playing while switching effects on and off. Just being able to kick in the phaser after the intro of Eruption was awesome, and I like being able to cycle reverbs on some of the acoustic numbers I do (light reverb on strummers, heavier reverb/compression on the slower fingerpicky stuff). I'm also discovering never before used (by me) effects like wah, whammy and others that benefit from the quick sweep control afforded by a pedal. The AxeFx defaults the first pedal for volume control, but I've discovered that I'm not really wanting to use a pedal for volume, so I've been messing around with other parameters like drive/distortion, wet/dry amounts for effects, etc. I think I can probably do what I need to do with two pedals if I rethink how I have my presets laid out.

I need to start thinking more about my own "preset" that can encompass most of what I need in one preset. Either that, or I'll come up with one bank of five that should cover most of what I need. After that it's mostly just copping tones for certain songs by other players. The process is slowly getting me to delve more deeply into individual effects since I now have more control within the context of a song as opposed to coming up with one stock setting per effect. That's one of the many great aspects of the AxeFx in that it is so modular and customizable.

Demo Reel

For lack of a better term, a future project for me is assembling a guitar video to demonstrate my playing for bandmix and equivalent sites. There's a brilliant guitarist in Europe (Sweden or Norway I think) named Ketil Strand who has become somewhat of an Internet sensation, at least among guitar players. He posted a series of videos as a tribute to the history of guitar called "Evolution of Guitar" a few years back. He updated them after the release of the AxeFx and I think that's when I first saw the videos. Essentially he goes through the history of modern guitar starting with the earliest influences (modern era) like Charlie Christian, Django Rheinhardt, Chuck Berry, etc. He goes on through most of the influential rock guitarists like Jimmy Page, Ritchie Blackmore, Jimi Hendrix, Jeff Beck, Eric Clapton, Eddie Van Halen, Eric Johnson, SRV, and many others. He picks some of the more recognizable riffs/songs and breaks them down to small excerpts and runs them together. It's a brilliant highlight reel (mainly because he nails the tones and playing) that not only honors the guitar greats, but demonstrates his mastery of many different styles and tones.

I'm not as skilled or as comprehensive in my current repertoire (there's always the future) to pursue something of that magnitude, but I think the framework is a great way to demonstrate my ability and tastes to other musicians. Plus, I think it will be a good learning project for me as well as adding a few more tunes to the repertoire (word du jour).

I'm thinking I will at least include some Jimmy Page, Eddie Van Halen, Jimi Hendrix, Alex Lifeson, Steve Howe, Tommy Emmanuel, Andy Summers, and a few others. I'm thinking I'll approach the tunes in a similar manner to Ketil's in that I'll pick 3 or 4 signature tunes (that I can play) for a medley of each player. Jimmy Page - Rock & Roll, Whole Lotta Love, Black Dog, Ten Years Gone; Eddie Van Halen - Eruption, You Really Got Me, Panama; Jimi Hendrix - Little Wing, Wind Cries Mary (need another); Alex Lifeson - Limelight, Spirit of Radio, (need to decide on a third); Steve Howe - Mood for a Day, Roundabout, Heart of the Sunrise (have to learn that); Tommy Emmanuel - Endless Road, Amazing Grace, Over the Rainbow; Andy Summers - Message in a Bottle, Roxanne, Every Breath You Take. There are several other bands/guitarists I want to add to that list, but I know that this is already going to be a massive undertaking and the truth is that I hesitate to actually post these excerpts until I can actually play the whole song at full speed. That caveat may add a year or more to the process. I'll probably start working on this soon, starting with the songs I can essentially nail right now.

My biggest challenge for this project, and for my playing in general is that last 5-10% of mastering a tune (which is actually closer to 90% of tune mastery, but that's another discussion) which takes the song from being recognizably close to the original (I'm not going for note for note accuracy, but an equivalent level of proficiency) to being as smooth and effortless as it was for the original artist. That's why Eruption has been taking so long for me. That, and the fact that I haven't ever really totally focused on only one song until I mastered it. That's probably what I should be doing, but at any given time I'm working on about 20 different songs on acoustic and electric as well as playing piano and now bass.

RPM

It's safe to predict that I won't complete the challenge this time around. I really have only completed (recorded) one song in the last month. That sounds really pathetic, but I must note that I have come up with riffs and chords for at least 10 if not more songs in this timeframe. The primary task for me now is to learn how to take a riff or idea and make a complete song with it. Probably like saying all you have to do to become a doctor is study hard and go to medical school. I had divided some of my time in learning my new bass and trying to prepare for the scheduled jam session with Chris by working on the songs we had agreed to play. I also realized that I just didn't know enough about Logic so I got back into watching the tutorial videos on macprovideo and so far I think I've watched about half of the level one videos (100+ out of 210) and in that process I've definitely learned a lot about the program.

I'm going to try and stick with my original 2012 goal of a new composition per month and a new song learnt by ear every month as well. I did okay for January, but February is coming to a close and I don't have either of these completed. I'll have to ensure I complete two of each by the end of March. Technically you could say I learned two new songs for the jam sessions (Hotel California and Slither) but I cheated and used tab because of the short time frame. I did okay with the Black Country Communion song "The Great Divide". I think I essentially know the whole song, I just have to develop my chops to be able to play the solo, and that will take several months to nail down since it's a pretty fast solo in parts. I'll pick a couple of more tunes to learn by ear, most likely something I know I can't get a good tab for. A Tommy Emmanuel song would be a good challenge, or for that matter I could try Eleanor Rigby by Pete Huttlinger (have to learn tremolo picking for that one, a completely new technique for me) or Harry Connick's version of Stardust for piano. Now that I think about it, those are probably the two songs I have jones'd the most for that don't have sheet music or tablature available. I won't necessarily nail those in a month either, but if I can get close to at least learning the actual music for both then I can practice the playing.

Musical developments

I've been practicing with the bass and I'm slowly adapting my fingers to it, the right hand being the bigger challenge. I could have made it much easier on myself by just using a pick, but my favorite players (not counting Chris Squire) primarily use fingers and I think it ultimately gives you more options. I've also noticed that it has given the added bonus of increased strength and dexterity for my piano playing. And I need all the help I can get.

I was supposed to jam with Chris yesterday but he had to postpone due to illness. Hopefully we can make our jam sessions a regular thing in the future. I've also gotten several contacts on Bandmix and I'm trying to decide whether to pursue those opportunities in the short term or to practice my stagecraft and gigging ability a bit longer. I'm leaning toward the latter since I haven't really focused on getting individual songs completely gig ready, as in I can play these songs standing up all the way through including solos as if I was playing a gig.

My goal is to go into any band or gigging situation fully prepared and in control of my playing and stagecraft. I know that's probably the musical equivalent of combat operation orders, since they are valid until first contact with the enemy. I'm not calling the audience the enemy, mind you, I just mean that I won't truly be prepared for live gigging until I actually do it and get that experience. That being said, I know the typical songs I want to be prepared to play will need some more work before I really throw my name out there as available to play.

Gear, Gear, and more Gear

Enroute today is the MFC-101 Foot Controller for my AxeFXII. I've needed a new foot controller since I bought the original Axe Ultra, but I had put it off since I wasn't gigging and was able to manipulate it via software and front panel. This will free me up considerably to play and make changes mid song without having to stop and tweak knobs. It's going to require significant modification to my AxeII patches since they haven't been setup with a foot controller in mind. I also ordered two expression pedals from Mission Engineering as well as a pedal board/case to house everything in from NYC pedalboards. It will probably take a month or more for the NYC pedalboard to get made and shipped. Once it's all received, I should have a good gigging pedalboard that will allow me to control all the Axe parameters and run various pedal options like wah, volume as well as many customizable options.

New Gear Day

I should be getting a visit from the Fedexcellent later today, and they shall be bearing none other than a Fender Jazz of the Geddy Lee Sunburst variety. I've wanted to add a bass to my gear for a long time, and the recent songwriting efforts as well as some informal jammage with my nephew Chris has motivated me to finally take the plunge. I may be overly optimistic, but I'm assuming I'll be able to make faster progress since I already play guitar, more specifically fingerstyle guitar where I use my right hand extensively. Getting used to the size and spacing of the strings will take a little while, but I'm hoping to start making something musical with it really soon.

I don't really have the intention to define myself as a bass player, although I will be trying to learn some parts that will most likely take me years to do them justice (it is a Geddy Lee model, after all). Feel free to laugh, but here are some of the tunes I already have in mind: Xanadu, Freewill, Tempus Fugit (Yes), YYZ (damn, I still need to learn the guitar part on that), La Villa Strangiato (that too). I'm leaving out many, but I'm hoping that a lot of the "less" challenging parts (you know, the ones not played by Geddy Lee or Chris Squire) will come easier.

Streets - my first(ish) online composition

This isn't really the first song I've written, but it's the first complete tune I've written and attempted to complete in a long time. I wrote it as part of the RPM/FAWM challenge previously discussed. It's of the ambient/electronic variety since I not only love that style, but it's also about the easiest to create on a digital audio workstation.

RPM

February has become a month in which two websites have held an annual challenge of sorts for musicians to write enough new music to fill an album. One website is called FAWM or February Album Writing Month and the other is RPM or Record Production Month. They have slight differences in their stated goals, but the overall intent is the same. This challenge was as good an excuse as any to get me off my ass in the composition department. I don't know if any of the music I write will be of the long term "keeper" variety, but it will help me grow further as a musician

2012

Before welcoming in the new year (albeit 2 days late), I wanted to give a nod to 2011. 2011 was a good year. Not necessarily a GREAT year, but essentially good on most days, which earns an overall good rating.

The year started with us in Killeen and no immediate or even medium term plans to move or change anything that substantial in our lives. I had just started working for MEB at Ft Hood and by the end of January I knew I couldn't last long term in that position. The highlights of the year were my subsequent decision to seek new employment, and I began looking primarily in the D/FW area with the intent to relocate. Ultimately this culminated in my finding, applying, and getting hired for a Comp & Pen position with the VA at their new FW outpatient clinic.

We put our house on the market and Aeyoung was very fortuitous in finding a home to rent that was not only convenient to work, but very suitable from a layout standpoint and pet friendly. Besides the upheaval of the move and a couple of months of not collecting a regular paycheck in the summer (and the resulting red on the bank ledger), the year otherwise proceeded as normal.

On the family front, Aeyoung and I celebrated our 21st anniversary in April and just continued to happily share each other's lives with our 3 furry children. Our most recent addition continues to attempt to exert her dominance as the favorite. It's funny how smaller dogs seem to have Napoleon complexes.  I incrementally improved at playing guitar and keyboards, continued to run, and near the end of the year I began studying Korean again, although a little more in earnest this time. Hey, better late than never, you know the old saying. 

Onward to 2012. Aeyoung asked me the other day what my new year's resolutions were going to be. I usually have a significant reassessing of my physical fitness at this time of year, so she's used to me swearing off alcohol and fast food and committing myself to exercise. The good news is that I have been a consistent runner for the past two years and this really hasn't changed. The only ironic event is that I did a number on my right calf in mid december when I was out for one of my pre-marathon long runs. This resulted in my not being able to run for the last two weeks of the year, and now I almost feel as if I am starting a new year's resolution by returning to running. I managed to run 1195 miles last year which is okay.

I had 3 significant down periods due to illness and injury, but this last one has been the longest. I'm hoping I can get my weekly average up to a consistent 30 miles or so, although this means I'll have to run 15 miles on the weekend unless I add an extra weekday. My long term goal is still to run a marathon, but this is the second train up in which I've suffered a significant injury setback that essentially has derailed my plan near the end. I think I will need to reassess my general approach to running/fitness and include some muscular strength and flexibility traning to supplement my running/cardio. I also think about 10-20% weight loss may do alot to minimize the injuries. 

Along those lines I'm going to have to commit to less junk food and alcohol (this is really only a weekend phenomena), and start to really manage how I fuel my body for general health and for running. I think my plan for now will be only social drinking (in our case that means concerts), and limit the junk food to only one or two meals a week. Aeyoung will cook this kind of food more often just from a convenience standpoint, so that means I will probably have to step in a help with some of the food preparation. 

Our financial goals for 2012 are fairly simple. Keep doing what we're doing, but do it better. Get the red off the ledger book that was necessitated by the relocation (and is harder to overcome currently because we're paying rent and a mortgage at the same time). The most important objective for the year would be to sell our house in Killeen, although it's hard to gauge how reasonable a goal that is. We will pay a tax penalty of 8K if we sell before August, so right now we're not being aggressive in our pricing.

That will most likely change if we haven't sold by then. Once we can sell that house, our financial goals will be centered on our eventual home purchase in the D/FW area. That's a 2013 and beyond goal. The eventual home purchase will hopefully be our last. We're hoping to get at least a one acre homesite in a planned development that will protect us from urban sprawl in the long term and allow us to stay in that one home indefinitely. We're looking to settle in the Mansfield/Arlington/Grand Prairie area. This will get us a little closer to the middle of D/FW while keeping my work commute to a manageable timeframe. 

My other 2012 goals center on continued learning and development. I want to continue studying Korean, at least every weekday like I have been striving to do. I'll probably start trying to either read some comic books or watch the occasional television program with Aeyoung. I haven't developed my comprehension and vocabulary enough yet for those to be possible. 

In music, I'm going to commit to two initial goals. Learn at least one complete song by ear per month, and compose at least one complete song per month. To learn a complete song by ear, I'm going to start with something a little more simple and approachable like Led Zeppelin or equivalent. I know bits and pieces of many tunes, but I've been dependent on tablature for the bulk of all songs I've ever learned. I've figured out countless riffs and chunks of tunes, but I haven't forced myself to sit down and learn a complete song from start to finish. It's definitely an easier task now than it was when I first learned guitar. The software tools available make it about as easy as possible. I just need to do the work. I'll build up to harder material once I have several complete songs under my belt. 

On the compositional front, my goal is to have a completed song with all instruments, arrangement, orchestration, production, etc. completed every month. I haven't decided yet if I'll make completely new songs from scratch, although that is the way I'm leaning. I have ordered a small two octave keyboard controller to keep at my main desk to help with the songwriting. As a guitarist I find it easy enough to write riffs while I'm playing my guitar, but I think the keyboard will handle the bulk of the overall compositional duties since I can not only write/play melody and chords, but it's also my only interface for drums, bass and synths. 

Sappenin'

3 day workweek, just the way I like them. I need to do something productive this coming weekend. I also need to run. I've been in an injury imposed moratorium since last weekend.

Assessing Deficits

I find it important to occasionally take stock in my life. I do this by asking myself the question, "What's most important to me? What are the things I value the most and get the most long term satisfaction and fulfillment from?"

I feel very fortunate that the overall most important things in my life are well established, stable, loyal and unlikely to change. Those would be my wife Aeyoung and our dogs, Bridget, April and Arya. They are there every day for me and we'll always be there for each other. Hence, I don't have to really sweat the small stuff when it comes to them. I do make it a point to regularly remind them how important they are to me, but that's not the context of this post.

Once you get to the personal fulfillment level of Maslow's hierarchy, you probably need to attempt a look at yourself with a little wider lens and with consideration to the long term. Often we are so caught up in the little details of life that we lose focus on the future. Missing the forest for the trees to coin a phrase. I feel very lucky that I had two years during my Army career to pursue additional education in my field. While the knowledge was a bonus and has reaped rewards, the most important and longest lasting benefit was the amount of free time I suddenly had on my hands.

My only responsibility was to attend school for two years, so I found myself with considerable more free time that I initially filled up with just my typical recreational activities of golf, movies, reading, computer games and the equivalent. After a few months of this I had mentally reached a point where most of the static noise that tends to build up with day to day frustrations and issues that we all experience had essentially melted away.

I started to think more reflectively and internally and the one great epiphany I experienced was that I had given up one of the great loves of my life when I stopped playing guitar regularly nearly fifteen years before. It wasn't a conscious decision. I just gradually quit playing regularly, mostly because my time was more occupied and because I wasn't really making progress.

Truthfully, I had never really learned the importance and value of dedicated practice and study on an instrument. When I was a kid I think I just dreamed of being a rock star (always a guitarist) and didn't really appreciate how much work it would take to become a good if not great musician. I had friends who were very accomplished in their own rights, were members of bands, but I didn't make the connection of how much time they had dedicated to their instruments & art to reach the level of mastery they had achieved.

I took a few lessons here and there as well as buying some song books and once they became popular, tablature magazines. I learned enough guitar to be able to play three chord punk songs and albeit poorly, some basic scale patterns like the blues. I also learned very basic and sloppy versions of a few fingerstyle parts like Blackbird or the opening to Stairway. In one part of my mind I thought I was doing pretty well, and I would even have people tell me I was good. In retrospect, I think these people were just nice, positive people who wanted to say something uplifting.

I did benefit from developing a modicum of muscle memory for chords and basic scales, but I otherwise never really learned to play the guitar. I knew (and people had repeatedly told me) that I would only get better with practice, but I was either not mature enough or just had too many other areas of concern in my life that my rational mind and will never got together and agreed that work needed to be done. So, I put my guitar down.

I had owned an Ibanez strat style electric, an Ovation acoustic and a Peavey Bandit 65 solid state amp. I also had two pedals (Boss Super Overdrive and Stereo Chorus). When Aeyoung and I moved to Kentucky, we were tight on funds and I ended up pawning the Ibanez and the Amp/pedals for a little extra cash. I don't remember what we got for it, but it wasn't much. For some reason, I held on to the Ovation. I think somewhere inside I knew that letting that guitar go would be completely cutting off ties with the musician I had dreamed of becoming. So the Ovation sat in the closet. It followed us around the globe, occasionally (every few years) getting brought out of its case for a few nostalgic attempts at "Tangerine" or "Babe, I'm Gonna Leave You". These attempts would add up to probably less than one hour of playing time over a 15 year period.

The ironic thing, is that I never stopped thinking like a guitar player. I would hear a song playing and immediately focus on the guitar part. I would mentally air guitar solos in my head while listening. While I was always a music fan and listened whenever I got the chance, the amount really increased with the advent of digital music players in the 2001 timeframe. It was probably partially a result of getting my first Ipod in 2003 and the subsequent increase in music listening that influenced my renewed desire to play music.

As 2003 drew to a close, I increasingly thought about guitars and music. I started to get back into buying guitar magazines and listening more to guitar oriented music and with the increase in the number and depth of websites, I was able to do more research and reading into the subject as well. I didn't realize what I was going to do overnight. Gradually as I read more (and had so much more information readily available compared to my teenage years) I started to feel the old spark of joy that I remembered from certain sentinel musical events from my childhood.

I still remember the first time I heard live music. They were the opening act for Donny & Marie at the Ohio State Fair and I was probably around 7 or 8 years old. We weren't there to see the band, my parents had just taken us to the fair that day. They were otherwise forgettable, but it was live amplified guitar, and it froze me in my tracks. I had always loved music from a young age. When I was 3 or 4, I used to insist that my parents play "Bye Bye, American Pie" anytime we got in the car. This was back in the days of analog AM/FM radios. I remember loving that song because it told a long story to music, and I just remember wanting it to go own forever. I would have killed to have my own ipod back then.

I remember the first time I heard a neighborhood kid playing an electric guitar (It was the Reidlingers a couple streets over. There were playing a really crappy version of I think, "Rock & Roll All Nite"). I remember the first time I saw Pat Metheny, and Rush, and standing against the stage while Jimmy Page played the solo to Stairway at the British Invasion show in Dallas. I remember the first time I heard/saw Eric Johnson on his 1989 Austin City Limits appearance. These were touchstones in my life. Music has always had a special power in my life in that it reaches me on a deeper and much more direct level than almost anything else I can describe. Music can communicate on many levels, often on higher intellectual, spiritual, political, and other more esoteric contexts. But Music has always had a unique quality in its ability to reach me emotionally.

I'm not an overtly emotional person. I didn't cry at my Father's funeral. I didn't feel like I was holding anything back, I just didn't feel the urge. I didn't feel any strong emotions about his death at all for several months. But one morning I woke up with a song in my head. It was very simple, just a few chord changes and some vague ideas of lyrics, but I knew it was a song about my father, and about his passing. I spent a few hours trying to work out the chord changes and jotted down some lyrics, but I couldn't continue. I was just finding myself overcome with emotion as I would hear the song and attempt to attach lyrics. I'll get back to it someday. As powerful and cathartic as this experience was, it wasn't a unique experience with music for me.

I've heard someone describe how they don't automatically get emotional when watching movies. It doesn't matter if the movie is supposed to be moving or not, they just don't have that empathetic experience while watching the drama unfold. Until the music starts playing. It doesn't matter how cheesy or nostalgic the show is, when they cue the music at the right time, it's like flipping a switch.

I don't know how else to describe it. For me, music has an immediate and powerful pathway for me. In internet parlance, it has an ultra high speed broadband connection to my emotional side. In my life I don't show or express a great deal of emotion, especially to outsiders. Even within my immediate family unit, I don't regularly show or express sadness and anger. I'm a generally stable, happy and fun loving person. I love to laugh and enjoy the simple pleasures in life, but I don't really experience a great deal of sadness. That's partly because I live a very fortunate life, but it's also because I'm just not inclined to feel sadness. It's generally not a healthy emotion in my opinion. If there's something in your life that makes you sad and you can change it, you have no business being sad. If it's something you can't change, then you should focus on something that doesn't make you sad.

But with music it's a different thing. It's truly like a switch. I can be listening to a song and feel an overwhelming wave of sadness or melancholy wash over me as I listen. And when my Iphone shuffles to the next tune which is usually something that's polar opposite to the last song, my mood can immediately reset itself to the current tune. And it doesn't feel unnatural to go from sad melancholy to high energy, angry heavy metal. It feels perfectly normal.

Music is as fundamental to my life as eating and drinking. I'm fortunate in that I'm able to listen to music all day, even at work. Wow, this is really a rambling, circular way to get to my original point.

To whit, taking stock. Music, while being a persistent and powerful force in my entire life, returned to its rightful center when I decided to resume my life as a musician. It feels weird calling myself a musician because I don't perform for others (unless you count Aeyoung and our four legged children), and I don't earn income or otherwise engage in any activity that would identify me as such that others would know. Nevertheless, getting a new electric guitar, amp, and starting to practice again felt like coming home after being gone a long, long time. My love for music had never changed, I still had that same spark of excitement when learning a new passage, finding a new sound, feeling the calluses starting to return to my fingertips. But I had changed.

Although I still had that young teenager with Rush and Zeppelin posters on his walls and dreams of knocking audiences out with my playing prowess inside me, I was a very different person by then. I had spent 17 years in the Army. I had served overseas on long tours and deployments. I had experienced Combat firsthand, done my job well, and come out relatively unscathed. I understood the value of life. I understood the value of work. I knew that the truly valuable things in life are hard won. I knew that becoming a great musician wasn't about the endpoint. These sorts of endeavors are not about the destination, to coin another old phrase. I had faced many challenges that seemed insurmountable in the past and overcome them. I knew that almost nothing is impossible (I would say nothing, but I don't care how hard I work at it, I'm not going to get a roster spot on the Cowboys) if you want it bad enough.

Oh yes, taking stock. I learned a really valuable lesson about my life in general when I got back into playing music. You have to identify what's really important to you. Take away all the superfluous bullshit that clutters up your life and leave only the things you truly can't live without. I don't mean what you would take in case of fire, we can be a little more generous than that. First and foremost it was always be my wife and dogs. After that, the most important things in my life that I can't and/or don't want to live without are essentially the same as they were when I was about 8 or 9 years old. Music, books, movies, and later video games. There's a lot more to my life and experience than that, but those are the things that truly make me happy.

I don't discount the importance or value of medicine. It's my career and it's been very rewarding to me and my family on multiple levels. But if I'm being completely honest, I could leave medicine today and never look back. I actually like my job. I like the work. It's usually interesting, low stress, and it's good compensation. But I don't have to practice medicine. If I found a similarly lucrative and low stress predictable occupation in an area I was better suited to work, I would probably consider a career change.

Not so with music, movies, books and video games. These are what makes me truly happy and will always be a part of my life. Sad to say, if I'm still alive to see my 80s and beyond, I'll still probably be looking forward to the latest version of a fantasy RPG like Warcraft when it comes out. I'll probably still be listening to my hard rock and metal, and I'll probably still be trying to attend concerts if Aeyoung and I are physically capable and have enough hearing remaining to enjoy the show.

So, what has taking stock go to do with this? I try to make a point of taking stock at least once a year or so. I ask myself where I'm at in my life, and where do I want to go? What are my weak areas and will improving them enrich my life? If so, why aren't I working on them right now?

That's the simplest way I can describe taking stock. Where are you at in your life? Where do you want to be? What do you need to do to get there? Why aren't you walking that way right now?

My current "take stock" list has been pretty stable since I got back into music. I've passed a few milestones like retiring from the Army, moving back to my hometown, getting a good stable federal job. My short/long term goals are fairly simple. We need to sell our house in Killeen and then focus on the next house we will buy which will hopefully be our last. We want to get it right this time so that we're completely content with our decision and can happily stay in that home for the rest of our lives. That's the goal anyways.

After that, my list of priorities is fairly predictable. Continue improving in music: (acoustic/electric guitar, piano, theory, ear, songwriting, production, performing) and possibly add drums and bass to my instruments, learn to read/write/speak Korean (finally after nearly 22 years of marriage), train/complete a marathon and continue running as a way of life.

The satisfying thing for me is that none of my great passions are about reaching an endpoint. As my technical ability in music improves, I'll eventually get to the point where I feel less compelled to work on technique and more on songwriting, improvising, performing. Regardless, I'll never run out of things to learn or practice. And I'll never lose my love for the process. I would have lost it by now if it was going to happen.

Also, I'll never run short of new music to listen to, new movies to watch, new books to read, or new video games to play. Life is truly wonderful. By taking stock I can see where I want my life to go and I'm thrilled to be making the journey. And if I die tomorrow, I know I've lived my life to the fullest that I could with the time given to me.

'Tis been awhile

It's nearly November and I've been firmly ensconced in my new job for the past few months. Life has settled into a fairly predictable pattern. We're still trying to sell the Killeen house, fortunately we have a new realtor that actually has been trying to justify their 3% although the house probably isn't much more likely to sell in the near future. The Killeen market, while being healthier for sellers than DFW is still very much a buyer's market and very much down.

On the homefront the most significant developments (in my narrow minded view of the world) have been a substantial upgrade to the home theater and this year's most significant musical gear upgrade, the Axe FX II. On the home theater front, we now have a system that truly discourages going to the movie theater anymore. The only reason to go to the theater now is for those movies we're really dying to see or just an excuse to do something. The specific equipment upgrades include a new Epson 9700UB HD LCD projector, Golden Ear Triton 5.1 surround system, a Yamaha Aventage RX-A3000 receiver/amp, apple tv 2.0, and a Carada 117in viewable screen. We now have a home theater experience that I can be happy with indefinitely. I don't foresee making any changes unless something breaks beyond repair or until 4K becomes the new standard. Watching movies on that size screen with the new speakers is actually better than most theater experiences we have and I'm not talking about the ability to pause, go to the bathroom, lack of screaming kids, etc.

I just got the AxeFX II last week and haven't really had time to reveal how significant an upgrade it represents. I love everything I have discovered so far, and one nice new feature is the ease of achieving quality tones with minimal effort. Great tones were in the Ultra, but it took a little more work and tweaking. It seems with the Axe II that great tones are just a few clicks away. There definitely is a higher level of clarity and responsiveness. It's somewhat equivalent to the difference in sound between my old home theater system (klipsch center and bookshelf front l/r with unmatched kenwood surrounds and sub) and the new matched Golden Ear 5.1 system. You just hear so much more detail and the quality of the different timbres is so much higher. I don't think I'll ever be an audiophile or tone chaser to the level of an Eric Johnson, but I have a new appreciation for what higher quality equipment can do to the listening/playing experience. With the guitar, it still holds true that the most important aspect of sound comes from the player's hands/brain, but having powerful sound processing that is so user friendly and streamlined really helps the process. I'm going to start alternating my electric playing with my acoustic so I can continue to progress on both fronts. I've been in a fairly strictly acoustic phase for several months and while I've made some decent progress, it's been to the detriment of my electric playing. Part of the appeal of the acoustic is analogous to piano in that it's easier to play fully formed songs as a solo artist, where with the electric I'm mostly working on guitar parts that are part of an ensemble/band.

The amount of divergent interests and goals I have in my life makes it difficult to pursue them all with any regularity. I'm trying to get back into studying Korean while I'm also trying to write, compose new music, continue improving on three different instrument disciplines, working on my ear and theory, fitness, etc. Not to mention I have a full time job and like to chill out with a good movie or book on a regular basis as well. I guess it's still a good thing when you so many different interests that there isn't enough time in the day to pursue them all.

Employee Orientation

Is everything you would expect. I wonder if this is more of a test of your commitment to work here.

Back to work

It's been a busy two months, moving from Killeen to Crowley (south Fort Worth) and all that goes along with that. Our house has been on the market nearly two months with little to no interest expressed so far. We may need to adjust the price or adjust our realtor (again).  The credentialing process with the VA added a month to my start date, primarily because of inattention from one of the credentialing clerks if my suspicion is correct. Not that I'm complaining about having two months off of work. This first week back will be mostly new employee orientation in Dallas with the requisite one hour drive and musical parking spaces at the D/FW VA Hospital. I assume that on Friday I'll be reporting in at my permanent job location (a more convenient 20 minutes away).

Today is the last day

Sick call is now complete and I should have about 8 patients left until I'm done. I'll try and get my clearing papers today and maybe knock out a few of the stops.

I am being sorely tested...

by all involved parties. First we get smoked by our walkins today (3x the usual number) and then our staff is doing their best to give the exponentially enlarging snowball an extra kick before it gets to me. I love the fact that people who are not ultimately responsible to care for a patient are more than willing to sign them in when they don't have an appointment since it's my responsibility to take care of them. Soon I will be in a job that doesn't have walkins and I won't have subordinate personnel who can arbitrarily add to my workload.

Being a provider with a schedule of patients is an occupational experience that most people don't comprehend. When you have a schedule, you are locked into that schedule. Your day is dictated by the schedule and you must stick to it or suffer complaints and backlash from patients and staff alike. As a provider I accept this, because it's what I get paid to do. Where I get really frustrated is when other people through ambivalence, naivete or outright intention add to or otherwise complicate my schedule. I don't mind a busy, fully booked schedule. The busier I am at work, the faster the day goes by. I pride myself on staying ahead of my schedule, finishing my notes in a timely manner, and getting all the time sensitive issues handled as soon as safely possible. When it's up to me, this is very rarely a problem. The only time I typically fall behind is through the action or inaction of others.

Today we had 15 people signed in for sick call, and we only have 90 minutes to see them before appointments start. The frustrating thing is that most of these people don't truly have acute medical issues. Most of our sick call patients are here because they don't want to wait for an appointment, or they are trying to get out of work. Rarely do I see a patient on sick call that I think "It's good you came in when you did, because this was a serious issue". Most of the time I think "Why would anyone ever seek medical treatment for this issue?" This gets back to my fundamental problem with most clinic visits by soldiers which is that they get free healthcare and have the secondary gain of time away from work, duty modification, etc.

The NCOs responsible for triaging the acute patients are not very good at what they do. They have a tendency to not want to enforce sick call complaints to acute only, and if the patient argues with them or insists on being seen, they sign them in. Military patients essentially have no negative reinforcement system for spurious complaints. The worst thing that happens to them is being told they are normal or their issue doesn't require any more workup or treatment. Even in those cases, they were at least able to get out of pt and work for a few hours. Patients can no-show, malinger, drug seek, or engage in a multitude of fraudulent or exaggerative behaviors and they very rarely get held accountable. This is one of the reasons I have sought employment elsewhere. The secondary gain issue is fairly common with the normal active duty population, but it's the modus operandi of the meb patient. I don't know how any competent provider with military experience could tolerate long term employment with this population. "Never has so much been done for so few who are so less deserving" - this should be the clinic motto. I find myself less and less proud to be an American citizen and retired soldier the more of these types of patients I am exposed to. There is a significant portion of the young population who look at the world as a set of entitlements with no requirement to work or produce for those entitlements.

I'm rambling now. Rant over. I expect my relative attitude will improve here shortly.

3 clinic days left...

and then hopefully <1 day of clearing. Not that I'm counting. The realtor should be coming over later today to take pictures of our house and then hopefully get it listed here in the next few days. We're going to be taking it somewhat in the shorts since we've only lived here two years and the market is pretty flat (better than most other places, though). We've accepted the loss because of all the positive reasons for the move and job change. It's also taught us a bit about the home buying/selling process.