Nut Cutter

Nut Cutter

Chorus
When you pull up on those jeans and they're bulging at the seams
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter
When you’re cruising at the mall and your jeans are way too small
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter

Verse
When your Wranglers are too tight
And your crotch a bulbous fright
Why you need a belt god only knows

Peacocks spread their feathers wide
Up that crack the jeans will ride
Feathered hair, concert tees and camel toes

Chorus
When you're walking through your school and exposing all your tools
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter
When you're sitting there in class with a bulging pelvic mass
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter

Bridge
Alex Lifeson wrapped in silk
Ivory slacks flowed like milk
His samite streams forked below the belt

Derek Small in more than name
Form fitting jeans revealed his shame
Until a cucumber would save the day

Chorus

When your kibbles and bits are giving people fits
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter
When your one eyed trouser snake triggers the shakes
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter

When you go to the show with a raging camel toe
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter
It's really not that nice to wear a denim vice
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter

When your splitting at the seams and the girls start to scream
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter
When you show your wedding tackle and the ladies start to cackle
Nut Cutter Nut Cutter

A Classic…

This has been around for years, but it deserves inclusion in the musical humor hall of fame:

The Final Word…

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lL4kJL_NDR0

Running an empire ain’t easy…

More Ferrell…

Hey, it’s better than working…

The Landlord from Will Ferrell

Vampires are Alive!!!

This is so bad it's good. Apparently it's Switzerland's entry for the Eurovision song contest, which makes it even better. It seems a vampire's supernatural powers include some sweet dance moves. Hey, sometimes you just GOTTA DANCE (he shouted with an effeminate lisp). I wonder how many of those dancers have been out of work since the "Thriller" video? So, what's with the fire breathing and affection for horses?  I guess these are some of the lesser known vampire traits  (along with the twinkly toes).  It's a little too happy for an undead anthem; besides if you follow the "rules" most vampires like classical music. Yep, that's true. And no offense, but I expect my vampires to have names like Marius and Count Dracula. DJ Bobo doesn't quite have the undead ring to it, catchy though it is. 

Movie Review - Spider Man & Shrek 3

We saw Spider Man and Shrek 3 this weekend and in both cases, I suppose the third time isn't as charming as hoped for. If you liked the first two of each, then these aren't completely forgettable, but they both suffer from where they occur in the series. I think we've seen all we need to see of both these series now (although I'll be surprised if there isn't a least one more sequel for each). Spider Man 3 - a little too long and too many villains. This movie suffers from trying to do too much and thereby gives too little attention to anything, leaving you wondering at the end exactly who was that Sandman guy, and where the hell did the black gooey stuff come from? And why couldn't it wait until the next movie? I'd say it's worth a rental, but you may want to save your theater money for something else. It does look great, though.

Shrek 3 - is at least visually impressive as they have managed to continue the graphics improvements with technology to the point that some things in the movie look very convincingly real. Unfortunately, the charm of the first two movies gets a little lost in this movie in which Shrek and Fiona are much more mainstream characters, reminding me of some sitcom roles as opposed to the rude and abrasive (and more entertaining) Shrek from the first two movies. The best roles (and lines) in this movie are for the minor fairy tale characters;  Donkey and Puss-n-boots are also underutilized.  It's still worth a rental (in about 6 months) unless you've got kids who will probably demand to see it in the theater. I really wish they could do an R-rated Shrek. If you pushed the vulgarity, sarcasm and exploited the twisted fairy tale idea to its limit this could be really funny. Sadly, that'll never happen.

A common theme in many sequels now is that they all benefit from the newest technology and manage to surpass their predecessors on some audiovisual level, but that is often the only objective goal they seem to have in mind. Look at the Star Wars prequels, for example. They all surpassed the original trilogy from a tech standpoint, but they all were found lacking in script, dialogue and characters. I'm unashamedly a techno geek and I will often watch a movie that is otherwise forgettable if it looks cool, but I'm really starting to tire of the tendency to treat story and dialogue as secondary. Why can't we make great looking, epic movies that also remember the importance of storytelling at it's most basic level?  The Lord of the Rings trilogy is an example of how you can do both although they had the benefit of a great story to start with.  I often wonder if all the tech advancements have been a positive for the movie industry. A great story begins and ends with words and unfortunately in a visual medium this is sometimes an afterthought.

Popcorn season commences

There are some decentish movies coming out this summer, the overwhelming majority of which are franchises. Hollywood knows how to ride a horse until it drops. That being said, I am looking forward to the following corntastic flicks: Bourne Ultimatum, Evan Almighty, Oceans 13, Spider Man 3, Pirates 3, Harry Potter 5, Shrek 3, Fantastic Four 2. We typically watch dramas, comedies (and the less spectacular) on our big screen at home as you don't necessarily lose much compared to the multiplex. 

Those listed deserve at least one theater viewing.  We watch most movies at home and typically enjoy the experience more without the added multiplex frustrations (noisy kids, tiny seats, rigoldarndiculous food prices, etc.), but there still is something special about a screen so big you can't take it all in without panning your eyes left and right. I'm a big fan of IMAX, and I would probably go see more regular films in that format but they never offer them in the markets where I live (thanks Army, no really, thanks).

Cheerful Humidity Moment

is going to be my band's name, I've decided. Once I get one, that is. Or maybe "Ninth Vegetable Quartet".  Of course, I am particular to "Timely Gargoyle Mutiny" as well. Decision, decisions. Need some help with creative inspiration? Check out the Band Name Generator for some rather amusing word combinations that seem to work pretty well as band names.











I’m Anakin Skywalker

…at least according to the Star Wars Personality test. When they asked what I lusted after most I chose power over money and love. They didn't count for the fact that I have love already and don't need more. But I do want to control the universe, so there's that. I don't think I'm quite as bratty as he was though. (Anakin: "Obi-Wan never lets me do anything!!" Mope, sob, whine. Throws miscellaneous spacey thing)

Update - 10 March 2008. Now I'm Boba Fett according to the test. I think this reflects my current work environment, as it indicates I would prefer to go alone and I'm willing to commit criminal acts to further my goals…

Movie Review - Borat

I laughed nearly constantly during the whole movie. Sasha Baron Cohen is one of those rare comedians who is willing to do anything to serve the movie and the laugh. If you're not already aware, he plays a "cultural ambassador" for Kazakstan on a trip to America to promote his country. He enters into a variety of situations with apparently completely unwitting participants. It appears to be a sort of Soviet Bloc version of Jackass without all the stunts on the surface, but it's a very intelligent commentary on how perception and presumption color our behaviour much more than reality. To see how a variety of people treat Borat (from both the wealthy and social elite to the more average Americans) tells us a lot more about ourselves as a society than it does about Borat, who represents the extreme version of most Americans concept of people from his part of the world. Having spent six months in Kosovo, I can say that while his character has a ring of truth (and he is completely convicing, never breaking character the whole time) to him, it's all exaggerated for effect. The amazing thing is that no one in the film seems to realize he is an actor and take him as an actual representation of the typical man from Kazakstan. Definitely one of the most intelligent comedies I have seen in several years. Sadly, most people will just see it as like an exploitation for laughs movie, which it isn't.

Movie Review - Tenacious D in the Pick of Destiny

This reminded me of how Wayne's World appeared to be written after they had started filming in that they only had about 30 minutes of plot and passably funny material and the remainder was filler. They are much better on the shorts they filmed for HBO, and at this point they don't hold up for 90 minutes. I should add that I am a big fan of the D, having their "masterworks' DVD which is a much better representation of their humor.